Crushes

hello. its 11.44 p.m. central daylight time. sunday night. school tomorrow. i hate school so much, i wish it would just die. all of it. everyone. i wish the irritating, too-large, generic concrete buildings of utsa would be wiped from the earth, leaving a pitted smear of gravel and a small lake filled by rain water that magically doesn't evaporate in the oppressive heat. trees would grow, and a small nature preserve would be proclaimed, with a hiking trail and a small botanical center and lodge, a little bed and breakfast. i suppose we all have wishes...

i am physically a bit healthier. i am no longer drinking. i am hitting the gym a lot. (better living through obsessive cardio...) i am trying to get my act together in preparation to move to nyc. my hair has faded to a lovely slothy brown-with-green-highlights. give me a pair of slow blinking red eyes and massive claws on my hands and feet, ship me to madagascar, and i'm set!

truthfully, i'm no happier. i want to sleep eighteen hours a day, just to avoid having to FEEL things. i used to like feelings, when they were somewhat balanced. now, they're just something to avoid. the incontravertible evidence that, yes, your spouse is indeed a mass murderer, and those skulls in the closet are not just lucky garage sale finds.

but, the title for this entry is "Crushes." i do actually have crushes. they are all on cartoon characters. there are a variety of reasons for this, i suspect.

a) if all my crushes are on fictional bits of animation, there is no danger of reciprocation, and thus no call on me to actually deal with the fall-out of my emotions/desires.

b) real people have real problems and issues and needs and imperfections. cartoons have all those things, but they are not real, they are painted to look like lovely little character quirks.

c) cartoons are just so much damn cooler looking than real people. real people are all earth-tones and physically delineated ranges of expressions. human bodies and faces just don't seem able to convey the amount of emotion and feeling i desire. cartoons can go to any length to express themselves, and they aren't afraid to do so. physics and anatomy are in service to spirit, rather than the other way around.

so thats a bit of analysis. i guess i just grew up with cartoons, watching them, and they were always so much more full of possibilities and color. the characters were so open, lush and vivid. i've also always loved comic books. same idea. i have issues with real life. it so often seems boring and mundane. and for being alive, people very rarely strike me as vital. so without further ado, i present my animated crushes.

1) beast boy from teen titans. he's short, scrawny, picked on, green, a vegetarian, in touch with animals, and so emotionally vulnerable. he is an anti-superhero. he desires a lot from people; connection, emotion, support. he is an innocent, too easily betrayed and hurt. he is an open book, too easily read. he needs to be handled with care. he needs to be nurtured, and i want to nurture.

2) mougan from samurai champloo. he's scrawny, a sinewy skeleton. he is crass, vulgar, brash, self-serving, selfish, and more than a little crazy. he is a samurai ruled by his own emotions and selfish wishes. i find it fascinating. he is a scruffy bad-boy, greedy and violent. it is delicious. he acts out and lives in a way i won't let myself. the nearest i can imagine coming is to bodily possess him.

3) edward elric from fullmetal alchemist. again, short, innocent, dangerous. can easily transmute materials, yes. has metal prosthetic arm and leg, check. vicious temper, yes. talented, but easily taken advantage of, oh yeah. a sap, a sucker, a core of sadness hidden behind arrogance and action, mmmyep. again, sadly innocent and young, in need of unconditional love and a rock. i can provide both.

4) inuyasha from inuyasha. for crying out loud, he has dog ears! if you are new to this blog, i suppose i should explain that if i were to have kangaroo ears and a prehensile tail, i might be the happiest human-hybrid on earth. and for god's sake, inuyasha is a half-demon, on a quest. he is dangerous, carries a large sword, is grumpy and throws temper tantrums... ahh... this is love.

that, is all for now i suppose. there are more, i just can't think of them. there are also some actual real people i have crushes on. but that's for another update. meanwhile, as i'm sure you've noticed, there are a few common factors among all my selected characters.

a) each displays a certain amount of childishness. i cannot abide adults. responsible people, people capable of being serious, sure. but "adults," people who have put away their child, their innocence, their sense of wonder, they feel dead to me. jaded and cynical is fine to a point, but it makes you terribly boring. witty, but boring. a sense of fun, of play, is essential.

b) all are on a quest, an adventure, are people in the process of completing themselves. they are searching for more, be it money, skill, or understanding. they are unfinished, always will be, but will always seek to add more pieces to the puzzle. they are dynamic and evolving.

and that will be all for tonight. because i'm tired and can't think anymore, and have school tomorrow. yeah, i'm a mook. lay off. i'm a tired distraught mook. and i can have a vicious temper too...

RRRAGH!

NO

i am not where i want to be. i repeatedly wake up and wonder what's going on with my life. i don't like it. i am in stasis. i feel restless. and i continually hurt myself and those i love. by making horribly wrong decisions that an infant would know better than to make.

i'm off to write a story. i feel lonely. i am lonely. i am alone. froufrou is pretty great stuff. and elliott smith, as always, is a thing of beauty.

i am unhappy.

i am afraid to be anything else. it all seems too terrifying and hard.

apparently, i've become a wuss.

being fearless just doesn't seem worth it anymore.

was i really fearless once? did i once actually at least TRY to live?

hardly seems real anymore.

nothing seems real, really. i'm living this semblence of a life, that's all disjointed and ridiculous, like a dream that clearly has import, but is all jumbled together and so hard to pick apart, so you just let it dissolve with the daylight.

i am an alcoholic. i am out of control when i drink. i don't watch how much i drink. i drink alone, to get completely shit-faced. i drink so i have an excuse to not process things, and piss my life away.

all because i'm unhappy. or i'm unhappy because i do these things.

its all part and parcel of the same thing.

i feel so broken now. i feel like its not safe for me to even put myself into anyone's life. i'm just dangerous, and pain in a deceptive package.

its terrifying to know that i need to cry, but to not be willing to let myself. look, i'm a man after all. i just feel so ugly when i cry; out of control, blubbering, weak, sniffly and snotty, driven to desperation. but i suppose i'm pretty desperate at the present moment. and its so horrile to know that its all waiting just below the surface, and wondering what it is that will set me off. if you see a tall man in navy blue walking down the street and bawling, its probably me. be warned.

i think i'm done here, because the last thing i feel like i deserve right now is a pity party, and yet, i can't just stop existing. though it doesn't seem like such a bad idea. i can't forsee things getting too much better. but then, that's just me throwing that pity party. things always get better. but i want to get out of here. i can't stand being at home anymore. there's no space here. i'm being stifled and crushed. i need out. i need to have somewhere to run to.

plans formed in desperation are usually not good to follow through on.

i wish for something. i wish i can find the strength to pull myself together and get out of here. before i end up killing myself.

there's a documentary about penguins in theaters right now. i really want to see it. its narrated by morgan freeman, and its a half-hour of nothing but penguins. what could be better?

i think its been eighteen years since i've danced. why do i not listen to music enough? all music is sacred. kurt vonnegut said so. and i think i can trust him on this one.

i need some guidance. i always do. but i don't know who to ask or where to look.

the end.