III AMMM FINISHED!!!

oh my freakin' god! i'm finished!!! i finished my graduate school applications! i got the portfolios back from kinkos (after only one fuck-up) and sent them out from the airport post office tonight! it's all over! there's nothing else i can do! there's no niggling little detail left for me to fix! and i think it was all good. i think i have a good chance of making it into austin, my current favorite dream, comma, ever! i think i'll make it! and regardless, IT'S OVER!!!

now i'm going to take a swig of vodka and celebrate. and i'm listening to the natasha bedingfield album. its not that great. but there are a few good songs. and i promised myself i would let myself buy it when i was all done. and guess what? I'M DONE!!!

god i don't even know what to do with myself...

WOO HOO!!!

porn does not all wounds heal...

so granted, having to sexual slash sexuality outlet is highly irritating. watching hours of porn doesn't help. i know, i'm as surprised as you are. but really though... i forget that porn is this emotionless arena, this psychologically and spiritually barren field most of the time. porn does not love you. it does not want to know how your day was. porn does not try to make you feel better when things are rotten, nor can it give you a hug or a shoulder to cry on. it doesn't even give you sex. it just makes you want sex more.

i have flesh issues anyway. i'm a confused individual. but after making myself sick by way of adult entertainment, i'm a little less confused. even at your mental and emotional emptiest, porn does not fill you in any way. it doesn't give you anything. granted, it allows a temporary psychological/physical gratification, which can be a good thing. but in the end, porn leaves you just as spiritually empty as you were before. moreso. because you only realize what you're really lacking; the things porn cannot give you.

granted, this all may be a grossly overblown guilt-reaction to wasting way too much precious time. but i also think i'm onto something. my major goal upon moving to austin is to re-learn how to interact with people in real life. i think i've mostly forgotten. no more internet, not more letters, no more. more phone. more real life. more talking to people while being in the same physical space as them. more building relationships. more listening. more focus on others and my surroundings, less focus on my brain and all its internal processes.

also, things can chafe. (spelling?) they haven't, but its a possibility.

and i like to think that someone out there reading this blog thinks its really, really funny.

i'm tired. and i feel nauseous.

how about you?

Damn Man...

its so funny how you can come to love somebody so much, without even really realizing it... my sister just left for her last semester of college. i'm tipsy and have been staying up the evening and night tending the fire (i am the fire GOD) and saying goodbye to her. she is so great, and i am so sad that she is gone for another five months... granted, i'll be in austin in a few weeks, hopefully for a long while, but i'm still going to miss her so much... there are people who are simply positive influences on your life, who make your time enjoyable and fun, and she is one of them for me. and for lots of people, it seems... my father even said that she really seems to fill whatever space she's in. she's funny, and human, and warm, and silly, and even when she's (pretending to be) insulting you, its so adorable you can't take offense. she is so wonderful, and it took so long for her to become that, and for me to realize she is that... its almost unfair, how much i've come to love her over the past few years... god, what being an adult can do to a person...

in the long ago, i used to hate her... she was an instigator, a nemesis, an evil operator who made me cry and started fights, etc... i would defend zach against her nastiness. i would inevitably make her so irritated that she would hit me, and then i would taunt her for resorting to physical violence. such are the ways of the children of psychologists... or maybe its only my way... but since she's gone to college, since i've gone to college, and she clutched me on my last morning and cried, right in the parking lot of our high-school... she has become a beacon of kindness (in her own way) and love. she has become this strange warrior princess, who imparts strength and merriment. and i can hardly stand home-life without her.

soon, i will be on my (relative) own in austin. and though i'm sure i will find people to fill my needs, i await the day that my sister comes back to go to med school here, and i will be just a short drive from the joy she imparts and the laughter she causes. i almost cried as the car pulled out of the driveway. and for me, that's a big thing.

it's so strange for me to love my sister. and i like that it's the case. now, i just need to work on my brother; a much more sordid affair... but i love him too right now. and apparently, i still have my sister's ipod. we'll have to mail it to her. oh life... a tricky, tricky arena... enough for now. let it be known, in summation, that i love my sister more than is healthy, for love is a dangerous thing. and i hardly care, i love her so much... i love you r. more than i could ever express. j.

ed. note:

i have the lyrics from various fanta commercials (featuring the FANTANAS!) stuck in my head on endless repeat.

"you look hot in all that plaster,
drink some fanta, faster, faster!"

"wearing hat so hot and furry,
you need fanta, in a hurry!"

add four rapidly-gyrating latinas in bad wigs, and welcome to my brain.

and no, i don't know why, and frankly, your guess is as good as mine...

All Retro, All the Time

so i admit it. i am a madonna fan. big surprise, a male homo madonna fan. yes yes. get it out of your system. har-dee-FRICKIN-har. i kid. anyway... i find myself fascinated with her new song "hung up" and the associated video. and not just because her ass looks better at age fifty than mine will ever look, ever. i think i like that she samples and borrows from her own music. like for her, there is nothing to differentiate it from the rest of the catalogue of songs that might be mined for inspiration. i also recognize that its sort of self-centered and egotistical, but hey, its madonna. self-centered and egotistical are foregone conclusions.

and i just birthed the word "egotestical" in the filth and gutter muck that is my brain. and am laughing about it. testical... CLASSIC!

my fascination with it all might also have to do with my love of dancing, and the fact that i haven't danced in what feels like years. and that video is CHOCK- FREAKING-FULL of dancing. good dancing. classic moves and rump-shaking, all melded together in an orgy of physical expression. and pink leotards. and that is where i am heading. not pink leotards, but the quality of the moves, the way they feel like and look like so many things from so many musicals/movies/videos/real-lifes/etc. they're campy and ridiculous and fun and joyous, and they make me extremely happy. you almost feel like you can do them yourself. which i say because i thought i could do them myself and tried, but it didn't go as hot as i wanted it to.

so here: just like she feeds on her own catalogue of sound, madonna also feeds on her own catalogue of moves, and other's catalogues, and while its sort of cheating, if it makes you feel that good by making you think of all the other great dance-related experiences you have in your head, i accept it. it is a positive. and the song is catchy. and i just like it.

i had breakfast with brother and sister today at a taco hut down the road. it was great. they are really funny. but mostly, just wanted to remind you all of another retro classic that we might all too easily forget:

in mexico, there are women who get paid to have sex with donkeys in front of large live audiences. probably in america somewhere too, but that's not quite the point: sex with donkeys. there. that right there, is the point.

and according to my brother, bringing this up in public at breakfast is "inappropriate." and that just makes it all better in my book, but my book is not his book. though five seconds later, he told rachel that if she wanted to take a shit quickly (life's deadlines are sometimes quite cruel and unfair) she might have to "grease the hole." that's all right. but sex with donkeys is not.

there was also talk of their opinion that i should not be allowed to have genitals. which i COMPLETELY disagree with. this one was in response to my bringing up that everyone in the world (all right, not EVERYONE... but probably its pretty damn close) has genitals. and that can be a really uncomfortable thought. think about the most hideous, irritating, just horrible person you know. they have genitals. now for me, the next step is to inescapably wonder about what those hideous, irritating, just horrible genitals look like. you don't have to go that far if you don't want to; it might be too much, especially if this is your first trip down this road of thinking. if your ready, move on with me to the fact that, in all probability, unless their sex life is like mine, those freaky genitals are used to have sex. with other people. terrifying, no?

anyway, they didn't seem to appreciate that one either. they seem to think i'm "oversexed" and "perverted." maybe they're right. maybe fewer people think about sex ALL-THE-GODDAMNED-TIME than i previously thought. oh well. i clearly do, and even wonder how one could not. but hey. no biggie.

perhaps this post should be over now. oh wait, no it shouldn't... i ordered porn eleven days ago. ELEVEN DAYS AGO! and its still not here. its backordered. which, when you're already talking about porn the word "back-anything" is funny. but its also terribly annoying. and i'm pissed.

now this post can be over.

Aluminum Linoleum

tongue twisters. i think i spell "tongue" like a british person. it creeps in, this anglophilia... it starts at the base of my language, latches onto my words, crawls up my legs to my cock, continues on to my brain... i can't help it. i love me some english mother-fuckers.

i actually started my portfolio today. i'll finish it tomorrow. hopefully, i will be successful. i don't know quite what i'm doing, but i'm doing it.

i have decided that i own wolf-boy. i was willing to let him off the hook before. but now, he's contacted me, opened up lines, and i am not leaving quietly again. i am going to haunt him until i decide to stop. he is puzzle, i am puzzle-solver. i am going to dog him for the rest of his days. he will tell me everything he knows, and be the nesting material i nod off to sleep in. i will pull him up and stuff him down into a dense pile of information and relationship, and circle around three times and go to sleep with my snout on my tail.

all i want is to be his friend...

and raid his brain.

evil...

Welcome to the Drunk House

yes, i've returned to the bottle, but it seems justified at the moment... i'm so freaking amped up about my grad school applications that its the only way i can get to sleep. not smart, but effective... i just have to compile and print out my portfolio and i'm done. how cool is that shit? yeah, it is that cool... god i'm so drunk...

chris repaired our house computer. my piece of apple brilliance is mine again, and it won't plug in right. its dying even as i type. sad. i know.

aside from that (63%) things are... interesting. chris took a look at my brother's pornography... she found it boring. i could have told her that based on his girlfriends and general attitude, but it was amusing to have her draw the same conclusions from physical evidence; blondes with big augmented tits, like so many straight males... i'm embarassed that my brother is so boring...

in other news, wolf-boy of last year has re-contacted me. not sure what the hell to do with that... but its strangely gratifying, in a way...

anyway, gonna get some sleep now. adieu to you all,

josh.