Wow.

so recently, i've been addicted to youtube.com. and aphex twin music videos. now, aphex twin makes great music, and chris cunningham makes great videos. so this is clearly a golden combination. its all just so... terrifying. like, even the lighter videos are really creepy. and the heavier ones... whoo... i mean, there's nothing to really say about them. just, wow. wow... yeah. fucked up man... these guys are seriously fucked up. i love it!

Things...

so there are some things that have been bothering me recently... rather, there are some things that i feel the need to bitch about. so here i go.

1) elexa: that whole new line of birth control and sexy stuff for women, by trojan. now i'm a little confused. sure, the commercial is hot, but the products... condoms (i assume), scented wipes (maybe not scented, but still, vaginal wipes), and other assorted paraphernelia, specially suited for a woman. last i had heard, women were doing most of the work as far as making sure sex was safe(er). so now we have a special line of products that totally and explicitly make it a woman's prerogative to have protection, and also freshen up her vulva so men (i'm assuming...) don't have to deal with that clinging pussy-scent. i just find it irritating that condom companies are designing products and ad campaigns that specifically target women, already overburdened with the responsibility of avoiding disease and pregnancy, rather than trying to find a way to reach men, and make them care about disease and pregnancy. just a thought. and really, if you like pussy, shouldn't you be willing to at least deal with the scent? i mean, i'm thinking you should LIKE the scent. i'm thinking you should be willing to dive right in and swim in it. this is bleeding into an issue with the over-sanitization of sex. granted, you should protect yourself, but really, sex is about contact and heat, and friction and scent. to me, it just seems like "nu douche", so men don't have to deal with women, who they are schooled to fear.

I Blame the Move...

so over the past week or two, i have once again been struck by certain men who struck me before, but i forgot about during my life-hiatus in san antonio. let me list them for you...

scott weiland: heroin addicted former lead singer for stone temple pilots. good holy lord will you look at the boy! watch the "sour girl" video... does he not make you think twisted dirty thoughts as he writhes around in the blue lights? look at his eyes, at his delicate eyebrows... his chin... oh my GOD i've been blind... and he's the ultimate badboy! in and out of rehab constantly... not good for me, but oh i can dream dream dream...

the edge of u2. a constant addiction. with his heavily lidded eyes and strong brows, and his mouth, and ridiculous ability to play good music, and to be SMOKIN' HOT! especially for someone in their forties... and he's british... and he continually wears those friggin knit hats... whats under them? god knows. but it hardly matters.

jay kay, frontman for jamiroquai. i blame this one COMPLETELY on youtube.com. i've been streaming his videos for two days now. he can sing, he can dance, he has those dark piercing eyes... he's an over-sexed pimp in an adolescent's body, with his ridiculous hats that i want so badly, along with the rest of the package... and he's an aussie, and a capricorn, and so hip in a "i simply don't give a fuck" way. and also, he used to be a bona fide thief in london... full body shudder...

so there's that. i'm gonna go have another g&t now. because that's where its at. happy friday!

Austin, Day Five

yes, its day five here in austin. i'll have more to type later, but here are some updates.

saw bui wednesday night, acted like a complete idiot, found out that dairy products and thai food do not go well together, stayed up way too late.

finished the autobiography of malcolm x. i think i highly recommend it, at least as a study of an extremely interesting man and his far too short life.

have a state (sort of date) set up with the frenchman for this saturday. sort of frightening, but cool nonetheless.

i still have niggling details to sort out with my grad school applications. on that note, need to make a phone call.

peace!

Day Two, Austin

so yesterday, i bit the bullet and dragged up the last of my stuff and myself with the idea of staying at my austin digs for the next few days.

recent firsts that are surprisingly anxiety producing:

sleeping a full night here (to be expected...)

getting naked to take a shower here (didn't even know to look for that one...)

its funny... everyone else has their own shit going on, and beyond shopping for food and spices (how can three people have so little in the way of basic kitchen stuff??? i'm in awe. and rectifying the situation.) and making a mammoth vat of tomato sauce for dinner tonight, (which we won't be eating as a group anyway...) i'm not doing much. i'm sitting on my ass, just like before, only NOW i'm sitting on my ass in austin. hmm...

i'm waiting to hear from schools, bui isn't free until wednesday, i'm not quite ready to meet the gil yet. but sam does have a show tonight, so i will be going to that. it should be fun. and he will eat my food afterwards, so that's a plus. you know, with all of sam's stuff gone for the show, one half of the living room is almost usable...

oh right; i also called the people who are going to give me a job, so i should be lined up for work soon. which will be nice, and give me something to do.

i just feel really boring right now. i've completely withdrawn into my polite, non-invasive, "i am meeting new people" shell. i haven't been cursing, i haven't had any conversations, i feel like a ghost, to a degree. and i'm waiting for rose to get home so i can maybe talk to her. if she's coming home after work and before the show. and i JUST! remembered something i have to get started working on, so that's cool...

i just need to make it through right now and start managing to make friends. or something. i don't know. but i just thought i should let you all know what's up.

dealing...

so the most horrible day of recent note has come to a close. i'm actually feeling much better. all right, better. if i don't talk or think about it all too much.

i stole more cuttings from the crappy nursery down the way this afternoon. it was revenge. it was petty theft as a morale booster. i took another sprig of the previously discussed dragon wing begonia so mom and i can each have one if we want. i also took a sprig of another big begonia. i think the dragon wing has pinkier blossoms. this one, THIS one, has those huge electric coral blossoms i was remembering. it has simple "angel wing" type leaves; no serration, look sorta like a smoothed out crescent wing thing. its stems are longer and thinner than the dragon wing, and it all has a sort of hung together feel, like i imagine it would look beautiful with the wind rustling through it and all the branches and parts moving gently with the breeze.

by the way, i read "the orchid thief" recently, and though it was quite different than what i imagined it might be, it was a lovely read, and intriguing. as a plant nut, there was a lot to satisfy me, and as a connisieur of beauty and a muser about what beautiful IS, i was quite satisfied. the ideas of all-consuming passion and infatuation, whether or not they make sense or are healthy, are fascinating to me. the idea of a living garden of orchids as these precious gems that people would kill for... intoxicating. the writing is also lush and green, with murky depths spread throughout. and it has the most beautiful image of a lapist's (gem stone carver/keeper) desk, with a box containing thousands of thousands of dollars worth of loose gems in it. tthe idea of such a panoply of wealth that it ceases to even seem real... ah. i love it!

in other musings, i remembered (after much brain searching) the three materials that are called gemSTONES but are in fact the products of living creatures; pearls, amber, and coral. perhaps there are more, but i think those are the big three. there is something even more mystifying and special about these substances than regular stones. they are the strange byproducts of actual living things, that through some fluke of history and human desire have become objects of desire and worth.

and hopefully the reckless plundering of coral has stopped. because the species that are used (named black, coral, and something else for rather obvious chromatic reasons...) for jewelry purposes are rare deepwater specimens, that, because they are living creatures, can be harvested to extinction. and you can bet that being organic substances, they will be a LOT harder to produce in a lab than diamonds or rubies... simple minerals that they are...

and on the subject of manmade gems, i'm all ears for you peoples' theories. i was talking to dad about how i felt that people want these items to have an aura of rarity and struggle, to be authentic and bathed in blood, in an often very literal sense. his response was "how many guys do you see that have a problem with fake tits?" to which i conceded point, game, and match. now i'm not sure. there just seems to me to be something inherently different about some beautiful stone harvested with care from the depths of the earth. the struggle, and the work to find something that was created by geologic accident and is mond-bogglingly beautiful...

on that note, there's a definite sinful air to gemstones. then again, i find a sinful air hanging about all the trappings of wealth, so i'm not a good judge.

by the way, my personal favorite is sapphire, my birthstone, the most overlooked of the fine gems. sapphire and ruby are actually the exact same thing, just different colors. that's why there can be pink sapphires and yellow sapphires. but note that sapphire is the mutable title. there will never be anything but a red ruby, but sapphires can take on any color imaginable. for the stone of virgos and september birthdays, i can think of nothing more telling or fitting.

Head Full of Cotton

updates to today's earlier post:

a) my car is, in fact, dead. it would cost way more to repair all that's wrong with it than to just use it on part of a trade in to get a new car, or used car really. hollace is about to bite the big one.

b) my main letter-of-recommendation writer apparently never found time to write a letter, so she filled out the form for arlington (which can stand alone, or be sent WITH a letter) and had her secretary turn it into a letter. now i had thought/been lead to believe that the other letters were sent, and she just needed some final info on arlington so she could send that off a few days late, no big deal. wrong. nothing has been sent. she just finished having her secretary write the letter that she will be sending to all the schools. and yes, its only a week or so late, but still...

i've had better mornings, to be honest.

i feel like crying.

Things That Make You Go

FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING BITCH ASS TITTIES COCK SHIT BALLS CHRIST!!!

so in the middle of packing in order to move this weekend, i recieve two bits of wonderful news. i'm sorry... "wonderful" news. all in the space of two hours this morning!

a) my car seems to have a few things seriously wrong with it. nothing fully life-threatening, it seems, but i have yet to hear the full and final report. i just got a preview because i called to be a pain in the ass and gently inquire if they had had a chance to look at my car at all. apparently, they have. i get a call-back later today. fun...

and now for the REALLY good stuff!

wait for it... wait for it...

b) sam, the ur-housemate from austin (the one who sells hot-dogs from a cart to support his band habit) called to inform me that the landlord had informed him that... DUH DUH DUH... she will be selling the house and march is everyone's last month of residency. come april first, we all gotta be out. which is GREAT considering that i don't even LIVE THERE YET! so when i cart a load of stuff up this weekend, i'll sit down and talk with him and the others about what our options are, if we should look for a place together, etc. etc. meanwhile, i'm not even sure if i should move up at all since if i can't find a place in time, i'll just have to move all my stuff back down here...

maybe i could just rent an air-conditioned storage locker from u-haul... or find a way to squeeze myself into an actual bus station locker, like the muppets did when they first got to new york...

anyway...

things could be better... they're all right, in that i'm healthy, alive, movin' on up, etc... but this is definitely a wrench in the works... in truth, its all a little too unreal for me to fully "take it all in" as they say... but i'm sure that will pass and i will start hitting shit soon enough.

in other news, i got a haircut yesterday (long overdue) and shaved (REALLY long overdue.) issue: i was so sick of looking like mountain man that i trimmed my beard with the 1/8th inch guard rather than my standard 1/4 inch guard. the net result: i look and feel like a naked mole rat... i'm just happy i didn't actually shave with a razor... i would have screamed loud enough to break the mirror at the result. i feel nude. and my face looks completely different. i also finally got rid of some major uni-brow growth (once again, overdue...) so i feel like i look, and just feel like a different person. hell hath no fury like facial hair scorned...

so that's it. i'm tired, depressed, and my place to live in austin is suddenly REALLY short term, if it is at all... effin great. and i know it will all work out, i'm just not sure what to do about it all. how to make it happen.

but in other news, i took cuttings from two really cool plants at the crappy chain nursery around the corner yesterday, in addition to doing lots of more useful things. one is a dragon wing begonia, which has dark brown leaves with chalky white spots. the leaves are deeply serrated, and the plant can get huge! and it has beautiful big hot coral blossoms. the other one is a little viney thing that cost nine dollars a pot. i thought about buying one for mom, since i've knotted her a glut of macrame plant hangers, but i couldn't find anyone to tell me about the plant. so i just took a cutting and will wing it. its got cool greeny grey leaves with off-white spots on them.

i'm thinking i should go back today and enlarge my cutting stock... i might as well... packing doesn't seem as urgent anymore for some reason...

you do know...

"you do know how insanely cruel it would be to send me pics like that and then 'just want to be friends,' right?"

and so another question is added to the many that i wonder if i will one day have to ask... eh. comes with the territory of internet flirting. two and a half weeks before i move to austin, i am contacted by a hot frenchman who lives in austin, and seems to have... NOTIONS, to put in a way scarlet o'hara would understand. so begins the exchange of letters, and photos (quite the exhibitionist he is...), and general STUFF. but luckily my friend bui has helped me snap out of it and listen to my paranoia engines. because who cares if everything seems in its rightful place, its much more fun to start BITING MY NAILS AND 'QUESTIONING'!

anywho, i'll deal. but its been a fun ride so far. now if i can just LET IT RIDE, maybe it can be a pleasant experience. aargh... i am working to destroy myself, in subtle and not-so-subtle ways...

why does everyone love battlestar galactica? just a question...

so i'm blogstalking e now... e, i think i must miss you. perhaps that's where this "will for communication" comes from... i'm slow... wanna do dinner sometime? i can take you out for sushi like i was going to eight years ago. we should do this, and you are invited to my official austin "moving-in slash moving-on-up party" when that goes down. which will be i don't know when, but full of people you don't know very well, including my new housemates, and at my new digs... i'm not sure how to make this work, but damn it, i'll FIGURE IT OUT!!!

you never notice how much crap you're amassing until its time to move... then you look around your room and go "Oh, SHIT!" it is time to go to goodwill, seriously... that's where i got most of the stuff, that's where it can go back to. its the catch and release program of used clothing. the circle of life... the tide comes in, the tide goes out. polyester sports jackets are bought, and then donated in time. it is the way. *strikes mean full lotus and pataka hand gestures*

so my brother has a stick up his ass. all the time. hardcore. he has such a stick up his ass, i'd be tempted to say he's gayer than me. he is constantly irritable. mostly with me. i can say the most seemingly innocent and playful thing, and then there's the yelling and the screaming... and then i make verbal note of how fun and easy he is to fuck with, which illicits MASSIVE, ANEURISM-CAUSING FURY on his part. and he yells about how he gets so angry every time i say that, why would i ever say it again, its so DISRESPECTFUL... granted, my idea of humor is to call people, including myself, on their shit. i like the "full-disclosure," "oh no you DI'INT," "i can't beLIEVE you just went there" sorta thing.

when i do it to him, he just feels attacked. so i probably SHOULD stop... but i probably WON'T so long as he's still a festering bubble of insecurity and namby-pamby "i'm so SENSITIVE!!!" bullshit. i'm sorry. its too fun, a, and b, he would be much better off if he learned to get over himself. and granted, its not MY responsibility to help him with that... but i refer you back to a... see, justification makes being an ass-hole a much less guilt-ridden activity... anywhoo, the two of us are a mess, and i'm not sure if it will ever be fully cleaned up. but if i spent my time feeling sorry about every thing i did that pissed him off, i probably would have killed myself years ago. in his eyes, i'm a fuck-up, and a terrible brother. and when you're working against that, the urge to just throw in the friggin' towel is REALLY strong.

in other news, my room is starting to get packed up. i think my next project will be breakables and little doodads and space-keepers, of which i have ENOUGH TO FILL A FRIGGIN HOUSE OF MY OWN already. i'm not a decorator; i'm a museum-keeper. and that is fine with me. except when i have to move...

and that is it for now.

i reeeally wish i could sleep...

hot sweaty fish love

i am in love with a fish. i am in love with a beautiful, idiot fish. a local chinese buffet has a beautiful beautiful HUGE salt-water aquarium. in it, they have a gorgeous blue tang. you remember dory from "finding nemo?" that kind of fish. and i think pixar chose it because, in addition to being photogenic, blue tangs really are sort of dumb. my fish spends hours of time chasing his reflection on the aquarium wall. back and forth, back and forth... and he's also quite scared of me... and everyone. he spends a lot of his time running and hiding. then again, considering the number of small children running up and banging on his domicile, perhaps this is understandable.

regardless, i love this fish (who probably cost a few hundred dollars...) and feel sort of guilty about it, the way i feel guilty about wasting attraction on anyone who's gorgeous until they open their mouth, and then you wonder how quickly you could get to the next county... but at least its just a fish...

and can i tell you about the birds?

nature, in her infinite wisdom, has thrown us a handful of wrens. now, i love wrens; they're cute little brown birds with a white streak behind each eye who look pregnant (they chunky) and bounce around with their jaunty, upturned tails. they are also the loudest, most irritating noise-boxes you could imagine... they make a constant *chee chee chee chee* sound, harsh and gravelly. yet they're so cute... and they have been driving the cat CRAZY!!! his favorite place to sit during the day is at my window, so he can watch them flutter and peck at nuts on the sill outside. interesting times.

in further news; i'm putting off packing for austin, but there is now nothing holding me back from going. its frightening, but i'm excited. i'm also taking an extended hiatus from porn. no porn. real people. meeting people. friends. social interaction. we're overhaulin the life here... we gotta get back in the mix.

natasha bedingfield's cd pretty much sucks. it was a waste of money.

i'm out.