Ruminations and the Orifish

what's become of joshie? where has the poor dear gone?

i'm not really sure. i've moved to austin. and have become a lethargic slug. i do have a job starting on april sixth (oh oh ohhh thank god...) which i'm sure will spur me to begin exercising again, since sitting on my ass all day scoring (tests, you sicko... scoring tests...) will make me reeeally want to move my body. and positive cash-flow, brilliant! but really, what am i doing with my life? once again, i just don't know...

i really wanted to do some writing tonight. i started to explore a theme that's been on my mind a lot, but it didn't go quite right. of course, that's to be expected after such a long hiatus. i need to get myself acclimated to writing again. it takes a little while. and i'm not sure. i'm a little stuck as far as themes. i'm not sure where i want to go, what i want to explore, and all my main characters are thinly veiled, more dysfunctional (if possible...) versions of me. me in subtly warped old mirrors, with cracks in the corners and the silver tarnishing behind the glass. which is cool, i suppose, but i just wish i didn't feel like such a one trick pony. all writing is a reflection of the self, i just don't know where to go.

on that note... i am so tired of being gay... and not in the ex-gay sense. i am not tired of "being gay..." i'm just tired of gay. when i got to austin, i engrossed myself in a glut of gay dating websites (well, website... i'm not that crazy, really) and gay blogs, and lots of gay. gay culture, gay thought, gay musings. i am sick and tired of gay. i've met two people so far off the net, and while both are good people, they are living testaments to the fact that the internet does not convey everything. people are so much easier on the internet, when you don't have to actually deal with them... and meeting people off a gay DATING site means that they probably have at least a meandering desire to DATE you. i do not want to date people. i do not want to have sex. i want my life to have meaning, which i suppose is kind of up to me (a LOT up to me) but still difficult.

gayness and gay people and gay culture do not make me feel meaningful. they do not make me happy. i've been engrossed in this glut of gay because it feels like i can finally BE gay again after a sexless and sexuality-less sojourn in san antonio. but that was never the major problem anyway. i'm still in a bit of a creative wasteland. i am trying to cure that to a degree, through cooking and writing now, and in general managing to get out of my house. but i'm still lonely. i still don't have a place i belong. and that is fucking irritating as hell. my housemates are great and all, but they aren't a group of friends i see every day. i need some form of connection. and though people seem to like me regardless of what i do, its hard to get into situations where i actually do MEET people. i'm shy and private (at least at first... sort of...) and not down with just going someplace, plunking down with coffee and a book, and striking up a conversation with any handy stranger.

i can see people getting married just to put an end to the loneliness. i can see the appeal of communal living from birth to death. i can see the way that loneliness shapes all our lives. it is the wild hound at our heels, always threatening to overtake and devour us whole. and it feels so wrong to still feel lonely here in austin... its like, "you got where you needed to go, you're surrounded by hip people who have more to offer, statistically, than san antonio people!" well, sort of. perhaps the odds of striking it rich are greater, but if i'm not willing to belly up to the table, i'm not gonna win a hand.

see, i get along with people really well, but i'm socially dysfunctional. a strange and only seeming contradiction. i don't know how to maneuver in such a wide and varied social setting... in my own way, i crave the homogeneity and safe enclosed feeling of my old college community. granted, i was on the outskirts of that community, but no matter who i walked up to, there was some common denominator, if only that we attended the same school. here, the people are crunchier and the nightlife is much better, but i'm still not sure where i fit in. i don't have a group of stand-bys. i'm still pretty alone. and i'm not sure how to heal that. where do people go who are more interested in laughing at popular hip people than being popular hip people?

and the only people on my dating site who ever want to talk to me, by the way, are thirty year olds. i'm not sure what that means, or why no one my age finds me appealing, but it seems to be the case. i'm old before my time. and funny thing, because all those thirty year olds make me feel so frickin' young... i wonder if i'll ever actually feel like an adult... i'm not even sure i would like to feel like an adult. but i do wonder...

there are so many little things i want to talk about, and that is why i should update my blog daily, because now there's too much to even manage in one post. particularly since i've spent so much space wandering around inside my skull...

lets try and run it down quickly.

1) there is a clear acrylic butt-plug that is shaped sort of like a 3-d little christian fish. and this marvel of sexy engineering is called.. wait for it... "the orifish." best, thing, ever! (also offered: heaven's doorknob, and heaven on a stick. i kid you not.)

2) speeches (the teaches of speeches) got into law school, and brother got into ithaca. hot damn! now if i just knew if I got into school, perhaps this revolting ennui would end...

3) went to the asian market with one of the aforementioned thirty year olds during our initial visit. i spent the thirty minutes jumping around and squealing as i raced from aisle to aisle. side note: if i ever see another rice cracker, it will be too soon.

4) still addicted to noodles, but it might be dying off, thank god...

that's all i can remember for now. i made soup for my housemate, who has the flu and feels like death. i want to make more. all i want to do is make soup. soup is the best thing ever. and i need to clean my room, so, badly... mother-god... its a fucking royal mess. i need to make a big ole' list of things i need to do, and then go do them. and the list is long... so much to try and get ready for... WHERE THE FUCK ARE ALL THE LETTERS FROM THE SCHOOLS I APPLIED TO!!! i blame this hiatus partially on this sick waiting game they're forcing me to play... wtf? where are they? WHERE!? and on the same note, WHERE IS THE VESPA CATALOGUE I ORDERED!? and yes, i spell catalogue british. i do that alot. get over it.

perhaps i just need to listen to more reggae... that would probably help...

oh lord... i looked at architecture books at the bookstore today... i really miss it... architecture school is a good plan. and one of the books was entitled "monumental architecture". honestly, it made me sick to look at it. monumental can be good, if its called for, but my lord... so much of this crap was disgusting... making a splash for the sake of it, to the detriment of the actual project... or at least, i feel it was ugly without cause. a boxcar is ugly, but its good at being a boxcar. buildings should be able to beautiful regardless, or at least ugly with a purpose; ugly like when the architect really grew a pair and said, "this building is going to look like a bunker, like a mass of alien slime, like what a hernia feels like..." you know, like a lot of frank gehry's work. that's cool (though at times INEXCUSABLY ugly). and technology has advanced to a point where any desired effect can be achieved. but when ugly is just to prove a point, to participate in a big dick contest, that just ain't fuckin cool...

so yeah. i am going to be the great bleeding vagina of architecture, eschewing the flashy for the oddly beautiful. or something. blah blah blah, god complex. i am jesus. yadda yadda yadda... this is degenerating. which is delightful, don't get me wrong, but perhaps i should squeeze it off. i've written more just now than in the previous month, i'm sure... so lets end it before it gets truly bad.

later gator. send love. and chocolate.