12th of 22...

i'm twelfth of twenty-two on the waitlist at UT Austin... this is irritating... alcohol has been a common denominator for dealing with this... only for the past few days... i've been pretty good recently. my job has been delayed until april seventeenth. and i skipped "the books" tonight, because i couldn't stand going to a crowded show all alone, because i couldn't find anyone to go with me... life in austin, is lonely. i'm such a pussy, it is absolutely ridiculous... i'm ashamed of myself. great...

in addition, i'm late on my insurance payments, and may no longer have coverage. which, when you have diabetes, is not a good thing... i might be totally, royally fucked... i think i am... i haven't been on my parent's plan for a while, and when you miss a payment on cobra, the unemployed plan, i think you're just fucked. i think i'm just fucked... i asked them. i'll gladly pay ANYTHING, in interest or whatever, to continue my coverage. but i think i'm fucked. because i am not fit to deal with my own shit. and they wouldn't let me do direct deposit. and i'm an irresponsible ass... i'll let you know. because you care...

i am so lonely... i went home instead of to the books, and i was so happy to sit with my housemates at the table that it almost made it worth missing an amazing band live. almost. i still feel like i'm an idiot. and i should've shelled out for parking (no spots on the streets) and gone, but it just looked so crowded, and i was all alone... that's what's fucking me... the alone part. i could have front row seats to the apocalypse, and if i don't have someone to go with, i'd miss it... because half or more of the fun is to be there with someone you love, and can talk to about it... speech, we could have gone to the books tonight, except you live in new york. c hitler, i should have asked you, except for some reason, i forgot... fuck me, but i just can't get myself together...

so i have no insurance, am beyond alone, and am so far not in school... and mostly it's my fault... but i do wish someone would say it will all work itself out... but god knows. and in the meantime, i'm just fucked beyond belief... happy holidays everyone... at least i get to go home for passover...