I'm Getting Over It

yes i'm lonely. yes, things are strange. yes, i'm in the middle of a cluster-fuck of uncertainty and desire. but i'm doing all right. i got peeps in the mail from a dear friend, and i have started work, so things are better than they were.

i trained for wyoming grade three reading on monday and tuesday (today)... a day and a half of training, and they'll call me in a few days when that project is scanned and ready for scoring. i don't care. i'm working! i'm excited to prove that i can wake up at six thirty in the morning and make it to work not only on time, but early. life is so much better, just by virtue of having a routine and things to do. sure, the scoring rules are completely arbitrary, but fuck, i have a job... yes, i wish it was something i approved of, but let's not get too picky...

today, after getting released early, i went to the austin vespa store. i was worried that the scooters would be all small, and i would look like a gorilla on a clown car. but they are quite substantial, those epitomes of italian design, and i will look just fine on one. and they are so, hot! god, they are sexy and not overly testicular like a motorcycle. and even my mother is down with them. she likes modes of transportation that are safe-ish, and use little gas. she's a hippie like me. and "knew" (biblically) a guy in israel who had one, and she rode on it. so even my over-protective jewish mother is alright with me getting a scooter. and i downloaded and read the texas "department of public safety" motorcycle manual today. never let it be said i am not comprehensive in my research...

i am in at houston. i'll call ut austin tomorrow. arlington is fucked up. i'm listening to "the books". (i ordered their entire cd collection when i wimped out on going to their concert...) i want to read more x-men slash, and i'm starting to think that adrien brody would be a good choice for gambit. unfortunately, the character of gambit is far too gay and sexual to ever make it to the big screen. but that's why i read slash. and hugh jackman as wolverine, BEYOND HOT!!! good god... and i have learned to smoke without removing the cigarette from my mouth to exhale. i am the shit.

my life is a complete question mark, but i'm feeling pretty all right. god knows...

i asked the asian woman at my liquor store how she came to be missing a part of a finger. i felt embarassed, but i wanted to know. and she didn't have a straight answer. her mother told her she lost it to a baby. who knows.

in other racist news, the one non-white guy in my training group (he's vietnamese) has befriended me. we talked about architecture and maya lin during a cigarette break. (he smoked marlboros, just like another asian i know...) he is a nice guy, and i feel bad, because everyone else in the group is asking him how to say and pronounce things in vietnamese... he's a center of attention for being vietnamese (and knowing french as well as vietnamese) just like i'm a center of attention for being young and a north-eastern college grad. the odd ones out are always the center of attentions... and most of my training group are retired teachers... normal for harcourt... a screw up for human interaction...

granted, i like non-white people, but is there some strange pheremone i put off that attracts them to me? i'm certainly racist in my own ways, and yet, i am the natural target for non-whites in most places i go... i certainly don't trust myself to be kind and thoughtful about racial differences. but at least i don't ask how you say "how do you do" in vietnamese... small, small victories...

anywhoo, i'm waiting on word from ut austin. i'm looking more and more seriously at a vespa, and i just had the most wonderful e-conversation with my sister. she ended it by saying "good bye my brother who is so insane he is endearing..."

motherfucker! she gets me! god, it was wonderful...