Shut UP!

as an aside, m, mistress yam, you and me are fine. aside from me not calling you ever. but that's me being a jerk.

i hate my cat so much i would willingly throw him down the stairs.

the house computer needs to be wiped and windows needs to be re-installed, which i spent three awkward hours on the phone finding out yesterday. i don't even have the energy to be angry at this point. i'll just heave one big, shoulder-quaking sigh.

i sent out another resume today. go me!

i've got spirit, yes i do, i've got spirit how about you!?

oh, and how about;

be, assertive, be be, assertive! be, assertive, be be, assertive!

oh yeah. that's the stuff i'm talking about...

i've got to do more with my time...

A Place Where?

its been a while for an update. i know this. but its hard when you use your blog to communicate with your close friends, and are also having lots of (internal) issues with your close friends. also, the house computer is broken again because of my irresponsible brother... (computer viruses? what are those? they only happen to other people, right? i'm gonna go download some porn...) with that attitude, i can only wait until he's REALLY sexually active... "um, so, how long does gonorhea last exactly?" anywhoo, because of the breakitude, my computer is filling in as the house machine.

you can only imagine how much i love having my baby that i bought myself and love dearly (and that no one else even likes using, because its a mac, and therefore too "confusing"...) being manhandled by my little titanic freak of a sibling. truly, it makes me quite unhappy.

on a slight tangent, yesterday my brother, out of the blue, told me, "you're looking a lot skinnier josh. you're losing weight." after the requisite double-take, i think i said something like, "thank you?" or "really?" or some such nonsense. of course, later on that night, i let my paranoia get the best of me and asked my mom if she had told zach to say that. not that i was paranoid enough to think so, or anything... she laughed, and i think had to restrain herself from hitting me, and said she wasn't going to dignify that question with an answer. so i think the answer is no. god forbid i actually believe that my constant physical exercise is having an effect... again, i always wonder, what happens if one day i wake up skinny and am still unhappy? ahh, then the work will truly begin... i suppose.

so i'm half-heartedly trying to find a job in austin and apply to school there. mmm... three and a half years of architecture school. such an exciting thought... when all else fails, do a post-graduate program. but i'm so stuck in the lethargy of living at home, its hard to get the gears moving. i'm rusty. but hey, look, i'm online right now, and after i finish wasting time, i'll actually do some work. yeah me! go go go! i just realized that life would be so much better if i had a squadron of cheerleaders to chant for me. i think i'll have to do it myself though... luckily, i know a lot of cheers. what with being a cock-muncher and all...

my birthday came and went. it was a nice time, but i just feel out of it and i didn't really dwell on it. i don't care. twenty three is not some sort of banner year. its just a space/time filler. not that i don't plan on doing a shitload this year, just that my advancing age is not something i think a lot about. one cannot measure age with a number. anyway, i drank, smoked a few cigarettes, and hung out with friends. good times. a few days later, i actually got high with my brother. i didn't enjoy it so much. its not where my focus is. sleep is my current drug of choice anyway... if i want to avoid being productive, all i have to do is take an "hour nap". that'll kill a whole day if i work it right...

so the thrill of austin... mostly, i'm just so excited to get out and make a new life for myself. reinvention, thy name is... madonna, actually. but to be on my own and doing my own stuff, without having to take crap from anybody... there we go! that's what i'm looking for. and having new people to meet, and classes, and all sorts of stuff going on... i'm so ready for the next step in my life. yet so apathetic... ah, irony, my old friend. i must work harder. always. but its true. i'll write another application today. that's my plan. i must become a whirlwind of activity. school first, really, then job focus, then apartment. so much to do!

but part of my interest in austin and the newness it brings is my disaffection with the old. in particular, i'm having issues with college being over (you really can't put things off forever. they just go on hold until they suddenly bum-rush you) and my friends and such being beyond me right now. and in particular, with friend x. i'm just not sure where things stand with x. and i'm too tired to even think about it right now. thinking and dwelling is counterproductive. action is the only way. x, you're on pause. see ya.

yes, i'm angry. i'm angry, and i'm confused, and x isn't helping at all. and i don't know if its all in my head or what. but it all seems like a big mess, and i'll deal with it later, when i have the time and energy. meanwhile, i feel betrayed and left behind. and we didn't get a speck of rain from rita. its stayed dry as a bone with record breaking high temperatures.

life can certainly be a bitch.

hi e. i'm trying to take care of myself. i think maybe, someday, i should call you and we can do something, if you still want to. sorry i've been divorcing myself from you, but it's not just you, its humanity in general. no excuse, but i don't want you to think i'm angry at you or something.

c, you are not x. so don't worry about it.

and now i'm tired after writing this.

later.

Half Man, Half Machine, All Freaked Out

today is my first full day using a minimed "paradigm" pump insulin delivery system. so far, so good.

history: the pump is an ingenious little device that allows you to use a tiny little i.v. delivery system to convey insulin doses that are estimated by a pager-sized electonic... thing. you enter in your blood sugar level, how many grams of carbs you plan on eating, and it uses a your preset insulin-to-carb ratio to determine how much juice it gives you. you can then edit the dose if you like, and press a button, and you get the insulin. no extra injection required.

history: i was always too healthy to get a pump before. i'm still technically ridiculously on top of my diabetes. but as time has gone on and the pump has proven to be such an improvement on manual injections, insurance companies have become more willing to pay for it. (its an expensive little bugger, let me tell you...)

recent history: the pump scares the bejeezus out of me. not as much, now that i'm hooked up to it and the mind-meld chip has been installed at the base of my skull... kidding. but seriously, the idea of having something permanently attached to me is really freaky. did i write a post about this already? anywhoo, its just strange, and i have all sorts of reservations about "THE PUMP", but i also really like it at the moment, so i think i can get over my fears.

in other news, i'm tired, and my real birthday is coming up. and i need to apply to u.t.'s graduate school for architecture. so much to do, and all i really want to do at the moment is sleep for a week. such is life.

i can't think of much more to say at the moment, beyond the fact that the federal government really fucked up in the aftermath of katrina, and the right is trying to shift all the blame to local, democratic authorities. bullshit. FEMA: Federal Emergency Management Agency. their job: to make sure that the nation is not unprepared for situations just like katrina. of note: in 2000 or so, FEMA (grossly underfunded and filled with experience-lacking cronies by republicans for years and years) put out a study naming the three worst-case scenarios it could see in the near future: a terrorist attack in new york, a major hurricane in new orleans, and a major earthquake in the san francisco area. funny, but it still seems like, somehow, the agency was still underfunded and unprepared for the two of those that have so far happened. way to go guys... way. to. go.

and yes, it is racial. and political. because when southern florida, governed by jeb bush, and its upwardly mobile white jews get hit with a storm, they certainly seem to get help pretty quickly. poor black new orleans, not so much... you have sean penn (sean penn! who attacked paparazzi before it was "cool"!) out there on a boat rescuing people and animals, and beautiful matthew mccoughnahy (sp?) is an on the scene animal rescue machine reporting to oprah (also in the new orleans area currently). but no national guards-people for days and days. no rescue operations. and thousands are stuck without food and water. yeah... that's cool...

and by the way, ann coulter is the scariest piece of shit, stark raving mad bitch i have ever had the displeasure of learning about the existence of. i saw her on (of course!) fox news last night. she is terrifying. she is evil. she lies and bullies, and doesn't have the skill of listening. i hate her. i hate her and she frightens me.

also bill frist was being interviewed by larry king on cnn. bill frist, who i believe spread the news that aids could be carried in tears and that all sorts of low to no risk activity was dangerous. except abstinance. he was a big fan of that, if i recall. because NOT having sex is so much fun, and clearly the proper way of dealing with the aids crisis... anyway, anderson cooper (who is a mo on the sly, i think, and who i like very much) lobbed him a good question, and it was fun to see frist avoid answering it all together. fun and irritating/depressing.

i wish the clowns would at least wear makeup. then we'd know what we're dealing with.

Bugger.

i just wrote a whole post, and just as i was getting to the end, my connection died and i lost it all. god fucking damn but that pisses me off... so much, lost, so quickly... the internet is like randomized large-scale amnesia. it eats multiple brains each day. sad really. lets bow down to it some more.

Quickie...

sorry if this ends abruptly, but i'm supposed to meet dad for coffee in a few minutes, so i really only have a quarter of an hour to write. deadlines deadlines all around. fun, right?

so i'm putting plans to move to the big apple on hold. but i keep getting residual mails from people i mailed a week ago. people with apartments to let, employers in the nyc area who think my resume is spiffy... its great. one guy wrote to tell me that my letter about his property to rent was the most obnoxious thing he'd ever seen during his 36 years in real estate. a lovely way to start the day, no doubt.

so i'm a bit unhappy about that. i wish i wasn't so affected by it, and i also wish that i knew more about the whole real estate process, so that i didn't make whatever faux pas i made that made him so angry. aargh. not pleasant.

my tasks for the day are to research architecture programs in austin, and then look up jobs in austin. it seems like my current plan for the future involves a lot of austin. which is sorta cool. austin is supposed to be awesome, and it does feel totally different from san antonio. there are crunchy people there, and liberal people, and people my age. so that is nice. i wish i could get all the way out of texas, but that might just have to wait. anyway, austin is a step up.

i wish i could go to new york now. but that just doesn't seem as doable. its expensive, and difficult, and i don't feel healthy enough to really just be out there alone. to an extent, i've never dealt with the end of college and the fact that that portion of my life is over. but maybe i should be busy getting excited about next steps, and what comes now. it is exciting. it would be great to be in school again. and austin really is cool. and i wish all my friends from college could be more involved in it all, but i'll just have to keep them informed via e-mail and phone calls. which makes me feel shitty. but that can't stand in the way of progress.

so i have a plan for the day, and i've started reading a new book that seems cool. i'll be having the coffee with dad soon, and things will progress. i just wish i could have everything i want now. but that, is simply not the way of life. and if we had everything we wanted right when we wanted it, would it all be as special? i sort of don't think so.

so off to the races for now. more later.

sick-poo. (yes, i still feel sorta cruddy.)