New York Bound

today is dad's birthday... blah blah blah blah, happy birthday daddy... enough of that. we get it. you're older now. you are 55, a fact which gives you much pain and mental anguish. blah blah blah blah aging.

so empathic am i...

on to more important stuff:

i leave for NYC tomorrow! i'm spending so much time getting ready, making plans, decoding mass-transit maps, figuring out the subway/trains/busses/etc... i am so. friggin'. excited...

i have directions to eight different places, i fear not getting lost. if i get lost, i will ask a kindly new yorker (who is shorter than me and non-threatening) how to get to where i want to go. i'm not as afraid of new-yorkers as texans. i feel like they somehow have less to hide.

so i'm going! and then i'm coming back... but i'm going for now! and next time, when i go, i may not be coming back! and that. friggin'. rocks...

so ganichiwa, bitches. and wish me good luck!

People to Stalk

one should not have a section of their buddy list with the above title. but i... i do. not "people i'm interested in," not "hot guys," not even "potentials." no no no... "people to stalk." and the best part is that some of them (like austin boy who invaded a few weeks ago) aren't worth stalking. in fact, of the three names on the list, one is never on, one is clearly not interested in me and we haven't talked in a month, and one is blatantly honest austin invader. i need to update. and stop obsessing. its not healthy.

ah HA! if i hold down *shift* and THEN press *enter*, i can get hard returns! i'm a friggin' genious!

i'm so tired. my body hates me currently. if i ever smoke weed again, i think my lungs will spring out of my mouth and wetly and bloodily try to strangle me. and alcohol, is never good, and now that the first two nights of passover are over, and the accompanying seders, i don't have to drink anymore wine. i didn't have to drink it at the seders really, but hey... and at the first seder, i got to be improper in front of small children. what more could one hope for...

sweet! i'm still just so stoked that i can get separate paragraphs! other than that, i'm just tired, and my body is unhappy, so i'm unhappy. and i have SO MUCH SHIT TO DO!!! blech. bitch bitch bitch... it's all i do, really. but then, i warned you, so don't complain too much...

i bought both of k-os' albums recently. on the second one (joyful rebellion) theres a song called "crabbuckit" that i am so obsessed with it hurts. so i'm creating a music video for it in my head. it involves (so far...) a slick and opulent hotel bar/lounge, a big band combo on stage, k-os as a bartender, a criminal, a briefcase, an accomplice, the police, a mole, guns, lots of martial arts, explosions, and lots of fun. i'm about two steps away from starting a list of shots and illustrations. it would be really great, and i want to make it so badly... too bad i don't have the time, money, skills, expertise, etc... such is life.

i need to get dad some birthday presents... grr... such a hassle... i really don't want to have to go to head shops looking for r. krumb t-shirts. and where the hell does one go in san antonio to find the works of lynda barry? fuck. of course, i didn't have to wait until the end of time to start this process, but still... feh.

i saw "house of flying daggers." it was pretty good. zhang zhiyi is the most amazing person on the planet whenever she steps in front of a rolling camera. give her a wire crew, and i think she has the power to save us all. please... i think we could all use some saving... i could anyway.

from the super-busy state of texas, your pal, professor josh.

do you have your term papers ready to hand in?

Altered States, Altered Plans

hello and welcome. may, i'm updating. leave me be! sweet! and the site is actually working! bonus... there's so much to say, i don't even know where to begin. i don't know where i left off. i think i was drunk and pissed off at the house-sitting house. well, i'm done with that shit. they came back and i think they think i did a wonderful job, and i got paid, and now i can at least have the comfort and safety of home life with my family to pull over me like a warm blanket. booyakasha!

i've started my new job as a night shift reader/scorer for harcourt. upshot: i read eight bajillion fourth grader's responses to open ended questions on their aptitude tests. its interesting. i've met a nice lady named kerry-ann, who is from jamaica, has a two year old daughter, spent the last seven years in the military, is a virgo, and obviously, we hit it off quite well. we're seeing sin city together this saturday. it should be good.

then, there's the senior citizen aged gay man who keeps talking to me. he's very nice, but as dad pointed out, no matter how nice they are or how not interested in you they may be, there's always this undercurrent of a thought: "hello, meat!" so yes. grayden (sounds like a mortal kombat character, doesn't it?) keeps asking me if i'm rich and famous yet. and i avert my eyes and say, "not yet, but i'm working on it..." oh to be young and gay in the great state of texas...

the scoring room is a huge room that seats two-hundred people at a time on rows of computers. it seems like its all right if i'm a bit noisy and boisterous in there, which is nice. i try to keep it down, but of course i don't always succeed, so at least in this position it looks like i won't be fired for my non-compliance. of course, this doesn't mean i don't fear my superiors with every atom of my being... they frighten me. i am sure they hate me. i think i scare them. and they scare me. its so great... i'm a paranoid mess...

i met a guy from austin online. we chatted one night, and then he decided to drive down and see me, right then, at three in the morning, when i was drunk and he was only just sobering up. so he did. it was awkward. nothing happened. it was nice to hold someone's hand (which i did while he was watching "elf" and i was falling asleep) and sleeping curled up with someone, but other than that, no sexual chemistry. we just didn't click. after he left the next day, i was all funky and fucked up in the head. ah well... and when i called to see what he thought of the whole thing, he was clearly upset i had his number, said i had erratic and disturbing breathing patterns, and that i seemed like a very lonely person. oh the joys of love...

i'm pissed off. i'm really fucking pissed about the whole losing my job thing, the whole emotional turmoil of house-watching, and all sorts of other stuff. i'm pissed. i'm tired, and i'm tired of feeling dysfunctional, and i'm tired of living somewhere i hate. i think i'm trying to get permanently up to jersey by september. we'll see how that goes. but i need to get the fuck out of here. because its unpleasant.

a really unfortunate aspect of the whole "austin weirdo" episode was that it left me feeling lost. like, i don't know how to feel things anymore. i don't know what to do in situations like that. i told chris here at home that its like being out on the floor and trying to dance, only you've forgotten all the steps. unpleasant. i was so unable to figure out what i was thinking or feeling, or how to deal with any of it. it sucked. and i'm unhappy about it.

in other news, the family fishing trip with dad and zach was fun. we caught a few fish each, except for zach, and it was nice. we watched golf on t.v. and took naps, and ate sausage egg biscuits from mcdonalds, and the whole shebang. and it was actually just what i needed. i was afraid it wouldn't work to go right from house-sitting to fishing, but it was fine. so i'm glad. and dad and audrey are going to vegas this weekend, and i'm watching their house, which should be much nicer and easier, since its also my house at least a little bit. family-wise, things are all right.

school-wise... utsa is taking its damn sweet time telling me if i'll be a student this summer... fuck. but oh well. i'm sure it'll all work out. i continue hitting the gym and the yoga studio, and though the changes are slow in coming, they are noticeable. i am also hitting 'bucks as often as i can and drinking mediocre coffee and writing my thing, whatever it turns into. usually its enjoyable. i just wish it didn't take so long. i keep thinking i should try to write on the computer, but its so much more fun to pretend to be bohemian and write at a coffee shop... so sue me, i'm buying into the image for once...

i'll have to type more later. zach and i have procured a bit of the green yummy stuff, so i would like to have some and try to forget that i just spent so long staring at illegible responses written by nine-year-old idiots... i'm sorry. but man, so many of those responses were just so... bad! so hats off to you all. tiff tiff, tell me how your sojourn at momma wes went. may, i love how you hound my ass. i really actually do. i like a woman who knows how to keep me in line...

peace.

I Tire of This

no, i am not a tire. i do not belong on the axle of your suv (shame on you for owning one...) actually, my brother has one. and so does my sister... i really am ashamed of them sometimes... anywhoo, i tire of this house-sitting bullshit. i hate it. i need to be with my family. otherwise, i end up doing bad things. and my brother sometimes makes me do bad things even when i'm with my family, but hey... i'm an idiot. ah, and the site isn't functioning correctly right now and i can't use the return key. that sucks balls, as they're wont to say in finland. well, know this... i'm tired, and i'm heading out to make phone calls and drink coffee and write. so be warned. grr... i go fishing in two days... fun fun fun.

Playing House

i am playing house. in a big house. built by rich people. they're both virgos, you know. further proof that a virgo's best chance at romance lies with... duh duh duh... another virgo. as i mused to myself while walking inside today; "its the house that virgo built." and its so sadly true...

they also only got married recently. they're both like, fifty to sixty something. they're older, more mature. so you younger virgos take heart... it might have taken them a while, but they seem really happy together.

oh god. can we go back a second to the guy who stole my birthday? that guy, the blonde one, who sam in my house was dating. freaky guy? he was a fucking birthday clone! his lame ass stole my birthday! pay no attention to the fact that he was born exactly a year before me, making me the usurper... he stole my beautiful birthday! and he was so lame and creepy! ugh! just picture me obsessively scrubbing my bare body, trying to feel less dirty...

anywhoo... internet dating doesn't work. wait, strike that; internet dating doesn't work for ME! just like any sort of dating, really... you think you've found someone cool, and then they have no desire to talk to you... as though i trifle with idiots... well apparently i do. or at least, i trifle with people who have no clue about the powers i wield... dammnit. i wanna go see sin city.

c'mon! there is someone in south-central texas who is appropriate dating material for me... or maybe not. maybe i'm not developed enough to like, enter a relationship or something... maybe there's too much for me to learn still. maybe i should take a cue from my virgo house-providers and put all such romantic muck on hold until i'm forty...

i'm a bit tipsy, and i just felt the need to say something to someone, even if it was only the people who read this. thank you, by the way, particularly you blue rose. its rather striking that you found this little page and like it enough to come back to it and read more. i try to peruse blogs, but it gets hard. i'm picky. and sometimes, not so nice... but hey, we're only human... unfortunately...

e, i think you're right. i'm a closet goth. i just never got into all-black and making the works of jhonen vasquez my personal bible. jeez, kid, get it together! just me talking to myself.

oh, and it must be said that last night, i got rather stoned and a bit drunk, so i was in that really nice trancy state, and i began acting out the different facets of my personality... like, i would be of two or three minds about what to do next, so i would have the whole argument out loud, and act out the more involved parts. it was cute. and interesting.

so i'm done for now. peace, my brethren. tomorrow is a brand new day.

Long Time No Annoy

yo... so i'm here at the rich people's house again... i am housesitting. because when you get a message asking you to housesit the same day you are fired, you take the hint, take the money, call back the rich people and say "absolutely!" so i'm sitting here at their computer, updating my blog. because its been friggin AGES. hey, how's it going? there's so much to report... lets get started.

yes, as my previous post stated, i'm unemployed. between jobs, if you will. there was no real good reason for my being let go. i did not look at porn at work, my quality of work was still probably all right, i don't know. i never will. actually, if i get hired as a reader/scorer at the same place, i plan on politely asking my former boss the reason for her decision to let me go. hopefully, this will not result in another round of being "dismissed". cuz that would suck. balls.

so life goes on. my father is slightly irritated with me because i don't see him as often as he would like, or give him the proper kind of attention. i'm sorry, but i will not wear booby tassles... no... he just... aargh. i keep him where he can do the least damage to me and my life. because over the years, he's proven that that's how he has to be treated. i love him, i think he's great in so many ways, but i'm keeping him where he can't fuck me up as much anymore, and he will just have to learn to deal with that. you can't screw your kid up for the first (or only) twenty odd years of his life and not expect there to be lasting repercussions... idiot. and he's a shrink. go figure.

yes. dad keeps calling and trying to give me extra time and attention. granted, i'm not thrilled with the recent turn of events, but they haven't made me desire squishy loads of touchy feelie private time with dad. nope. sorry. i'm not wired that way. mostly, i'm just constantly tired (which i try to fight) and even more bored and lonely than when i had a job. i've been writing more, which is cool, and i'm trying to keep up with going to the gym. right now, i want a nice portion of alone time. i like alone time. it is good for me.

except when there's too much... without work, i have no captive audience to force into entertaining me when i'm bored and need a break. so some days get a little strange... i got really drunk a few nights ago. it wasn't fun. drinking is only fun with friends, as part of an evening of delight. just drinking... well, it kind of sucks, and i'm going to try to not do it again. yes, i'm aware i have a drinking problem. i'm so good now. apparently though, every now and then i have to remind myself that drinking in and of itself is not fun. sigh...

so last week, i hit on a guy, stephen. he's a teller at my drive up bank. i've had my eye on him since i got home last may, actually. i saw him at the grocery store while i was shopping with the fam, and tailed him for a bit, because he was tall and lanky, with long hair, and cute. later, i found out he works at my bank. interesting... then, ten days ago or so, he flashed me the peace sign as i drove off. really, how many people in san antonio flash the peace sign? and at me? after checking with several people, i was informed to go for it. what did i have to lose? admittedly, not much. so i drove up last week, and said hey, asked how he was doing. as i drove up, mind you, he gave a big excited wave and smile. "gold!" i thought. no, not really. as soon as i asked if he had any plans the next few evenings, he began to get the confused and defensive "what's going on, is this guy hitting on me?" tone. then he made sure to mention his girlfriend. then it all devolved into awkwardness, and eventually i drove away. tada. go me.

in other news, i'm trying to get this guy online to talk to me, but its not going smoothly. once again, i'm thinking i should find a monastery and join up. besides, everyone knows monks are gay... right? ... right???

so about six months late, i got my cell-phone upgraded. its cute. its a flippy, which is new. and it has all sorts of bells and whistles that i don't use and probably never will. it even has a camera. and i really fail to care. but it does have new digits, so i'll be making sure you important cats get those soon. may, your letter was hilarious, and along with my back hurting like all hell, was one of the two events yesterday that were at all fun and interesting.

yes, yesterday, my back hurt SO BAD! biscuit can tell you all about it. all morning and day, really, i kept trying to think of someone to call up so i could yell, "God damn! Mah back hurts!" ah well... oh yes, and mom and i had dinner and talked about my sister's "love life". woo hoo! in a public restaurant, no less! ha! ahh... memories...

anyway, i need to head over to mom's house so we can go get plants and plant them in our yard. because apparently its domestic day. Domestic! so this will have to do for now. keep smiling, especially while you're loading the gun underneath the table...

bam! sucka...