Altered States, Altered Plans

hello and welcome. may, i'm updating. leave me be! sweet! and the site is actually working! bonus... there's so much to say, i don't even know where to begin. i don't know where i left off. i think i was drunk and pissed off at the house-sitting house. well, i'm done with that shit. they came back and i think they think i did a wonderful job, and i got paid, and now i can at least have the comfort and safety of home life with my family to pull over me like a warm blanket. booyakasha!

i've started my new job as a night shift reader/scorer for harcourt. upshot: i read eight bajillion fourth grader's responses to open ended questions on their aptitude tests. its interesting. i've met a nice lady named kerry-ann, who is from jamaica, has a two year old daughter, spent the last seven years in the military, is a virgo, and obviously, we hit it off quite well. we're seeing sin city together this saturday. it should be good.

then, there's the senior citizen aged gay man who keeps talking to me. he's very nice, but as dad pointed out, no matter how nice they are or how not interested in you they may be, there's always this undercurrent of a thought: "hello, meat!" so yes. grayden (sounds like a mortal kombat character, doesn't it?) keeps asking me if i'm rich and famous yet. and i avert my eyes and say, "not yet, but i'm working on it..." oh to be young and gay in the great state of texas...

the scoring room is a huge room that seats two-hundred people at a time on rows of computers. it seems like its all right if i'm a bit noisy and boisterous in there, which is nice. i try to keep it down, but of course i don't always succeed, so at least in this position it looks like i won't be fired for my non-compliance. of course, this doesn't mean i don't fear my superiors with every atom of my being... they frighten me. i am sure they hate me. i think i scare them. and they scare me. its so great... i'm a paranoid mess...

i met a guy from austin online. we chatted one night, and then he decided to drive down and see me, right then, at three in the morning, when i was drunk and he was only just sobering up. so he did. it was awkward. nothing happened. it was nice to hold someone's hand (which i did while he was watching "elf" and i was falling asleep) and sleeping curled up with someone, but other than that, no sexual chemistry. we just didn't click. after he left the next day, i was all funky and fucked up in the head. ah well... and when i called to see what he thought of the whole thing, he was clearly upset i had his number, said i had erratic and disturbing breathing patterns, and that i seemed like a very lonely person. oh the joys of love...

i'm pissed off. i'm really fucking pissed about the whole losing my job thing, the whole emotional turmoil of house-watching, and all sorts of other stuff. i'm pissed. i'm tired, and i'm tired of feeling dysfunctional, and i'm tired of living somewhere i hate. i think i'm trying to get permanently up to jersey by september. we'll see how that goes. but i need to get the fuck out of here. because its unpleasant.

a really unfortunate aspect of the whole "austin weirdo" episode was that it left me feeling lost. like, i don't know how to feel things anymore. i don't know what to do in situations like that. i told chris here at home that its like being out on the floor and trying to dance, only you've forgotten all the steps. unpleasant. i was so unable to figure out what i was thinking or feeling, or how to deal with any of it. it sucked. and i'm unhappy about it.

in other news, the family fishing trip with dad and zach was fun. we caught a few fish each, except for zach, and it was nice. we watched golf on t.v. and took naps, and ate sausage egg biscuits from mcdonalds, and the whole shebang. and it was actually just what i needed. i was afraid it wouldn't work to go right from house-sitting to fishing, but it was fine. so i'm glad. and dad and audrey are going to vegas this weekend, and i'm watching their house, which should be much nicer and easier, since its also my house at least a little bit. family-wise, things are all right.

school-wise... utsa is taking its damn sweet time telling me if i'll be a student this summer... fuck. but oh well. i'm sure it'll all work out. i continue hitting the gym and the yoga studio, and though the changes are slow in coming, they are noticeable. i am also hitting 'bucks as often as i can and drinking mediocre coffee and writing my thing, whatever it turns into. usually its enjoyable. i just wish it didn't take so long. i keep thinking i should try to write on the computer, but its so much more fun to pretend to be bohemian and write at a coffee shop... so sue me, i'm buying into the image for once...

i'll have to type more later. zach and i have procured a bit of the green yummy stuff, so i would like to have some and try to forget that i just spent so long staring at illegible responses written by nine-year-old idiots... i'm sorry. but man, so many of those responses were just so... bad! so hats off to you all. tiff tiff, tell me how your sojourn at momma wes went. may, i love how you hound my ass. i really actually do. i like a woman who knows how to keep me in line...

peace.