My Dog Ate It

wrote a post earlier this week. actually, the machine ate it. so anyway, here's a long overdue update:

Story

we just got out of a meeting. i actually payed a decent amount of attention and wrote down handy things. on the way out, coworker e got away from me, and i had thought we were going to go get coffee in the cafeteria and visit for a few minutes after meeting. so i whisper shouted up the stairs "e! yo e!" but she didn't hear me. so i threw my pen at her to get her attention. and then when she was like "wtf," i asked her, "coffee? and could you get my pen for me on the way down?" to which she replied "no!"

so i caught up with her in the hall upstairs (after retrieving the pen myself) and asked if she wanted to go get coffee. she said "no, i'm really pissed off right now." so i told her i didn't mean to make her angry, because i didn't, and let her go. then a few minutes ago she came over here to talk to lauren and gave me the barest of "i know i always talk to you, but right now i don't want to so here, look, i'm acknowledging your existence with a quick glance now leave me alone" glances. so she's really angry at me. and i, once again, feel like an idiot.

moral of the story: i don't know. should i not throw things at people? maybe that would be good... but its so fun sometimes! but i suppose there are some people who don't think of it in the same way, and so i shouldn't throw things at them. and perhaps i should be more sensitive of the fact that e is trying to make her way in this company, and isn't therefore willing to engage in my more ridiculous levels of play. that would probably be good. meanwhile, i'll leave her alone, since that appears to be what she wants.

The Plan

so a few days ago, when i was riding a raging caffeine high and bored as hell at work, i hatched what i can really truly classify as a "hare-brained" scheme. bear with me. this is fun.

we are all aware of bruce k., who i want to ask me to the prom and all sorts of other such nonsense... i want a picture of him. so my plan (which took surprisingly little time to come up with, which will become really, really apparent if you just read on...) was for e and i to look extra "official" one day, and walk down his row feeding everyone the same line. "some people have been having trouble with their badges, so we're doing a row by row check to make sure your data is registered with the facility databank correctly." or something of the sort. perhaps we check out the "badge room" (it does exist) and get our terminology right. anyway...

so we go down the row and collect everyone's badges, then disappear for fifteen minutes, during which i make a color copy of the headshot on his badge. then we reappear and give all the badges back and say, "all right. everything's fine. thank you very much." coworker e wanted no part of this. i think its a not too bad plan, considering it was hatched in the fetid mind of a frighteningly obsessive me. but she did have a much better plan, and here i will quote verbatim:

"wouldn't it just be easier to wait until he's not around, take a picture of him off his cube wall, make a copy, and put it back?"

yes. yes it would. i ran that one by mom this morning. she thinks its a great plan, if i want to get fired... so i suppose i should just let this one die. but damnit... i wanted to go through with the first scheme, just to see if i could pull it off... some questions will just forever go unanswered, i guess. so sad.

Work

so i'm not sure what i've written about this, but i applied for and didn't get a position here at work. poop. its irritating me more than i care to admit. coupled with that, its getting close to a year since i graduated college. after i type that sentence, i remind myself to continue taking large deep breaths of the substance we commonly refer to as "air."

i'm just in a funk recently. a big ol' funk. and i don't even want to talk about it right now, because i'm not in any sort of frame of mind to talk about it in a way that's productive or reasonable. so suffice it to say that things is funky down here, and i'm frightened and sad, and lonely, and all those other crappy things that make life fun and interesting. or boring and irritating.

dad says i maybe should stop butting my head against the wall. funny how ingrained that is. i am not very water-like. bruce lee would be very un-impressed. i don't flow around obstacles. i veer right into them, regroup, and try to hit them again harder, hoping that eventually, if i bear down on them enough, i can crash through them. apparently, this is not always the case. i don't like that. all i know how to do is fight. but these times call for strategery. i should get me some of that. or learn it. or something...

Home Life

sister arrives home tonight for a spring break vacation. i'm excited to see her. but i'm not sure what the vacation will be like. i took next thursday and friday off (god, time off, what a concept... its been a long while since i've had any of that...) and she's trying to see if she wants to drag us all to the beach. it depends on whether her ex-boyfriend's teeth feel all right.

explanation: she loves her ex-boyfriend, he is getting orthodontal stuff done this break. if he feels well enough, he will visit his father on the coast, meaning sister will drag us all to the coast (mind you, she hates the beach herself) in order to spend time with boy (who, again, mind you, has a new girlfriend. he and sister have not been an item for a lot longer than a year.) during her week off from school, which she hates. its all very complicated and, from what i can tell, stupid. so sue me. i don't care.

so i don't know what i'm doing with my time off. i'd love to read, sleep, catch up on a few things, make a few phone calls i've been needing to make, etc... you know, rest, relax, try to destress and regroup. i really didn't want all my plans to hinge on a possible wild goose chase as my sister tries to convince her ex that they really are made for each other. somehow, that doesn't sound like a recipe for good times to me.

Shrooms

apparently i'll be ingesting some during my time off. that should be... interesting. i'll make sure to tell you all about it. they seemed like fun when i watched zach and his buds on them. as long as i don't end up crying and screaming alone in a corner (or on someones stoop, which i've handily mistaken for a corner...) i'll be fine, i'm sure. mind expanding drugs... worth taking time off of work for? sure, i guess.

it was actually really funny, because i was like, "so zach, you had a good time?" affirmative response. "yeah, i'm doing them again this spring break." "really?" i say. "yeah, so are you." "ah ha. hmmm... fair enough then..." i'd get mad that he made the decision for me, but really, i've wanted to do this for months now. i think i'll shut up and eat the mushrooms.

Etc.

other than all this, i don't know what else is going on, really. i'm flipping out. the plants are doing well. its friday (thank all that is holy...). and my friend chris won't respond to my responses to her e-mails to me. which are a miracle in and of themselves... i've decided that her man is definitely erasing any messages i leave on their machine. i think that there is no end to the irritation i engender in him by my very existence and desire to be friends with chris. he sucks. i think she should dump his ass and fine someone more deserving. or die lonely, like i'm planning to do.

damn it, at least i have my principles... which keep me OH so warm on those long cold lonely nights, i'll have you know.

oh fuck off.