so...

once again showing that while the mass of humanity churns over there, i skulk about the edges of the room trying to pick off any likely looking strays:

a person in a cube near me has a picture of lance armstrong as his computer desktop. now while anyone else would look at it and think, "my, what a striking example of strength, determination, and courage in the face of adversity! what a triumph of the human spirit over impossible odds!" i think, "lance armstrong is hot. i'd do him." then i remember that he only has one ball and laugh to myself. because i would still totally do him, but it is a situation that would have to be addressed. something like, "hey, you look like you could use a partner." or "do you think it ever gets lonely, lance?" followed by "i think i should show it some love, try and make it feel better..." then i wouldn't be saying much of anything at all, now would i?

i also would have to think that sheryl crow has intimate experience with lance's little trooper. and that also brings quite a smile to my face.

in other news, an old stash of liquor bottles zach wasn't trying very hard to hide was discovered by mom. they are quite old, from back in the heyday of september and october, when zach and i would drink our cares away and smoke cigarettes on the roof. well, i'm sober (minus one night) for basically two and a half months now, or something close to it. and granted, i'm partially responsible for those bottles, but i had those discussions with mom already. i came close to crying over the thought of having to go to al-anon. and i'm done with it all. so this is all just rather irritating.

first, let's all realize that this is EXACTLY how the past comes round to kick us in the ass. it happens to everyone. get your jollies off this if you want, but your day will come as well.

secondly, i think zach is pretty much on his own with this one. i think i've bought him a bottle once since i stopped drinking. i also probably bought him a few packs of cigarettes. but i am not the enabler. he was doing all this shit before i was. if he didn't get it from me, he would get it from his friends, and in fact, that's where he gets it from. i come along for the ride every now and then, but i've felt that its quite clear that this is his show, and if he wants to shuttle wasted friends up and down the stairs on weekend (and sometimes weekday) nights and make a racket on the roof, that's his call. i've never narked on him, because you don't do that to your sibs, and these are his decisions to make.

all the same. i feel sort of guilty, and i'm not sure what i'm supposed to say to who. but i'm not taking the fall for something i didn't do. and i don't think i did anything wrong. so i just don't know, but its icky, and zach is stuck in his whole extensive web of audacious lying and duplicity. and i stopped all that partly because it was bad for me and partly because it was hurting people because i can't lie, and live alter lives. i live one life, and it better be cool for company of any sort because i don't have a hall closet to tuck things into.

so i don't know, but there's drama, and i hate to see mom angry and sad, and i hate to see zach strung out and lying, and i hate being caught in the middle of it all. and my jaw hurts because i've been clenching it all day because now I'M stressed out. and i stopped all of this so i wouldn't HAVE to be stressed out. but once again, life, big pointy teeth, finds your bum, snap, ow.

so that's that. i haven't watered my plants in almost two weeks and they're still fine, but i think tomorrow is officially watering day, and i'm excited to have my eight little seconds of maternal fulfillment. or paternal. whatever. i'm happy to have something to love and take care of, even if its plants and even if that makes me unhealthy.

i feel pretty unhealthy of late.