Full to Bursting.

ever wonder what it is about human nature that makes what we have not enough? and i'm sure the early indoctrination into a capitalist society where everything has a price isn't a help... but really, even those who aren't bitten by the "gimme-gimme-gimme" bug have the same urge. it runs along the lines of:

that piece of chocolate cake was really good. now i'm nice and full and have the delicate flavor of espresso-laced cocoa on my tongue. (wait for it...) hmm. i think i'll have another half piece, just a little more. (wait...) oh, half pieces are so messy, i'll just have a whole nother piece. (and the grand crescendo...) god i'm full, but i want more. that was good, but more would be better. (we all see it coming...) i think i'll eat the whole goddamned thing! i need it all inside me! this very instant! i need to be this chocolate cake's new home! (picture of picking up cake, flipping open your jaws, cramming cake in, snarfling noises, etc...)

i know part of it is not being happy. when you aren't happy, you aren't content. spiritually, you aren't "full." well, when spiritual fullness is not an option, we most often seek other kinds of fullness, usually physical (cuz they're easy) and usually bad. that chocolate cake, for instance, or the weed you smoked last weekend. wasn't a whole eigth a bit excessive? and how about those three exhausted men tangled up in your bedsheets this morning... granted, it was a long-standing fantasy, but really now... one of them dislocated their arm trying to get you off that last time.

so we look to fill ourselves up with cake (and men...) but the real problem is never really solved. and once is never enough. hence my alcohol addiction. (which though i drank a bit last weekend, is still under control.) my dabbling in marijuana, and my incessant trawling of the e-dating switchboards. i just don't know anymore. i don't know where the fullness is supposed to come from. the obsessive exercising helps (speaking of which, i should get on home and engage in just that...) but it isn't a real solution. it is management.

i am tired of management.

i am tired of running in order to stand still. and stand still here in texas, no less.

i need to make some freaking phone calls tonight.

its time to find a place to live in jersey.

and its time to get the hell out of dodge.