My Own Time

today is thursday, and therefore i am to go to my father's house for an evening of bad-for-me dinner and likewise bad-for-me tv viewing. yes, yes, i am addicted to the apprentice a little bit. i could break the addiction easily, but as long as i keep spending thursday evenings with dad and audrey, that won't be happening. we also get to watch will and grace, which makes me pretty happy. "hey, look, gay people do exist! my former life didn't completely end when i graduated from college!"

yes, karen singing "jesus loves me" was one of the oddest, most wonderful things i've seen recently. that show in general just really really kills me. and somehow, i get the feeling that dad, audrey, and zach all just put up with it while i watch it and crack up. i hate them all.

i went to the nursery around the corner yesterday after work. (plant nursery; my baby stealing plans are currently on hold...) they don't seem to like me there. granted, i was the only customer that evening, but i end up pushing around a cart and examining packages very closely, hopping about, violently changing direction, talking to myself, etc. i can't help it. there's so much there to sort through... what sort of potting soil do i want? do we still have organic compost at home? do i need sand or vermiculite, and which one would improve the drainage of the soil? they don't seem to carry vermiculite, is perlite close enough? the books say lilies like bone meal, but they also sell bone-and-blood meal. both seem to be good for bulbs. how are they categorically different? which one should i get?

so they asked me if i was finding everything all right like, seven times over, and yes, i was. they had moved the plastic pots i wanted to a different wall, but i found them anyway. i chose bone-and-blood meal, because hey, if one is good, two must be better, right? by the way, i check the ingredients to see what bone-and-blood meal is made of. bone meal and blood meal. i suppose i don't really want to know after all, if that's all they're willing to tell people... and i still need another pot for another plant. aargh... life is rough.

so that was my first excursion yesterday. my second was to a nearby yoga studio. i think i will be going there on a weekly basis. it kicked my ass. at times, the only sounds in the room were all of our breathing, and the little "plips" as beads of my sweat rolled over my face and plinked onto the mat below me. it was good, and hard, my thighs still hurt, and my upper body has been reminded of its existence. yahoo for yoga.

recently, i've been a little irritable. irritable in general, as that is my normal ground state anyway, but recently, i'm talking irritated about something in particular. a large part of it seems to be stemming from time. peoples is making demands on my time. i spend my days at a job i hate. i go to the gym because its good for me, i'm addicted to it, and it feels like the only time i get to spend on myself, by myself, during the day. when i'm at home, even if things are pleasant, there are parents to deal with, and brother in particular. there are always little errands to run, letters to write, things to research online, etc.

peoples be makin' demands on my time.

i don't want to go to dad's house. i don't want to sit and talk with mom about my life and how its going. i don't want to have my brother be constantly low-grade pissed at me because i'm not spending enough time with him. i don't want alla this nonsense.

i think i want some motherfucking time to myself.

i want a life of my own (an impossibility when you're living with your family, i know). i want some time and space to call my own. i don't want to be so constantly engaged with people. i want to find enough minutes strung together to get my hands dirty in some soil and plant green growing things. i want some time to sit and write for real, not snatches of bitching up here on my blog. i want some time to go to the bank and try and get my finances in order. i want enought time to stop and think about whether or not i actually want a haircut, and then to go get one if i decide i want it.

i need a little bit more freedom than is being provided me right now. and i need to figure out a way to make it happen. its time for me to claim some of my freedom. because apparently, the world ain't gonna hand it to me on a silver platter. like everything else in life, you have to fight for it. well hell's bells. i suppose i'm gonna have to start fighting.