Thoughts...

coworker e and i just went on our regularly scheduled coffee/soda morning mission. its not really a mission, theres a coffee machine twenty paces away from my computer, and i get at least two cups before she and i go on our walk. that's what it mostly is. its a walk and talk. and today's was extremely... something.

selfless acts

what is the nature of selfless acts? this is what e and i discussed today. and its hitting me much more deeply than i would have expected.

what is a selfless act? for our purposes, we clothed the idea in the more hands on idea of helping people. e goes to al anon meetins, and she says its very clear there that you help other people to help yourself first. that it aids them is secondary. in al anon worldview, helping others is how you keep yourself sane and balanced, and it also serves the purpose of helping others. then they help you, and it keeps them sane and balanced, but as a bonus it helps you. etc.

it all starts getting down to the system to me. i suppose i should write it The System. its not a little system, but part of the big, overarching system. in fact, it might be The System, the biggun. the real and eternal link between the greater power(s) and humankind. this idea of mutual reenforcement, of helping others to help yourself, and because in time you may yourself need help, is what the net of humanity is all about. humanity is a net. no one person acts alone. we are all connected to each other by the strands of our actions and interactions.

we are all part of the system by virtue of being born. and here's where it starts getting down to my own little beliefs and ideals. and that's why this became a touchy conversation for e and i; these are beliefs that i hold that don't necessarily jive with other opinions i have. its uncomfortable to try and explain them, because i feel and sound like a hypocrite, and also because there's little to explain. these aren't rational and thought-out methods and systems. these are some implanted shit. the shit that is there because your parents put it there, or disney put it there, or whoever/whatever got to you when you were a young little egg of a human being.

i don't like trying to dissect people's actions when it comes to helping others. this is clearly bucking the trend. i love dissecting people's actions, all the time. i live to dissect people's actions. to take them apart like a small pocket watch, examine all the little springs and gears and find out what makes them tick. i am the true progeny of two clinical psychologists. and yet, when it comes to helping others, there can be no questioning.

you help others because that is what you are supposed to do.

e's response to that was, "according to whose mandate?" i don't know. mine. god's. i suppose it is that tiny. i just hold a very strong belief that people should help others because that is what they're supposed to do. but that is part of why i hold that mandate. because i fear that if people discuss, and debate, and codify what behavior is "selfless", what qualifies, what doesn't, what is more selfless, what is less selfless; all that judgement and hierarchizing miss the point.

you help others because that is what you are supposed to do.

there is a line of talmudic debate that focuses on whether a good deed is categorically "better" if done by someone who enjoys doing it, or someone who doesn't enjoy doing it. if you enjoy doing good deeds, clearly you must be a better person, that much more devoted to spreading god's kindness and mercy. but on the other hand, perhaps you just like that smug little sense of superiority you get from doing it. feeling like you made a difference absolves a tiny measure of that guilt inside you; that guilt that stems from being in the position of superiority in the first place. if you don't enjoy doing good deeds, then you must not be as interested in kindness and mercy, and spreading god's will upon the earth. yet, perhaps, because you still do good deeds, even though you don't want to, you take those teachings even more to heart, because you go against your own wishes to perform acts of loving kindness.

the debate is stirring, and thought provoking, but i feel it also obscures an important kernel at its core. god's will is to spread love and kindness across the earth. his/her desire is that we raise up our fellow humans, show them mercy and compassion, and do her work. you do good deeds, because they are good deeds. they are the right thing to do. to a degree, i think questioning it all is unnecessary. the person who benefits by your actions benefits, regardless of whether you wanted to take those actions or not.

i'm losing track a bit here. its hard to keep it together. i don't even know if i've said everything i wanted to say. but i think i have to be done with this segment for now.

psychological painting

i don't have as much to say about this, but it also came up in our discussion (as a handy method to shift the subject away from selfless acts, as that discussion was riling me up). i have some pictures of mine up at my workspace. by which i mean, pictures i painted/drew. three are of faces. or heads. human heads. none have eyes. i'm not sure why i don't draw eyes on my art. i mean, they are difficult to get right. but e suggested because i don't want them to be able to see. mom has also noticed the lack of eyes, and she finds it slightly disturbing as well.

but i think that might be right. i don't want them to have to engage the world, i don't want the world to have to engage them. i want them clean and non-judgemental; you cannot judge what you cannot see. i want them to be objects only, not characters with thoughts, feelings, and motivations of their own. am i sick enough to be afraid that my own drawings will judge me unfit and turn on me? i'll come into work one morning and they'll have all tacked themselves to some more worthy worker's walls? apparently i might be. i cannot take the challenge that would be leveled at me from oil-pasteled eyes. i only wish to kiss their blind lips, and love them without their presenting the danger of abandonment.

for her part, e said she drew a lot of pictures where the people had no eyes OR mouths. all in all a very interesting conversation this morning.