Avoiding Work...

seriously though... i so don't want to take the half hour to do a little tech-check that i'm sitting here trying to think of what the f. to say in my blog. i don't really have much on hand... lets see what we can do nonetheless.

paco, there will be no pictures of the Apostle. just no. he does not get pictures. you don't want to see him. he is not cute. i don't want to see him. every time i do see him (and am forced to awkwardly interact with him) i wish he would just not exist. its painful, really. because he seems so sweet and nice that there's just no way this situation will not end up hurting him. no pictures. this man does not exist.

life generally speaking continues apace. i need to be working on important things, but i'm not. but i'm trying. i actually have been frighteningly productive recently, even during my weekends. of course, this doesn't mean i'm enjoying my time anymore than i would be otherwise, but at least at the end of my unhappy days, more is done than when i started.

someone e-mailed me on a dating site because they noted i had perused their profile. we've been exchanging short hellos, but his keep getting shorter and shorter, like the way a stream gets drier and drier and finally gives one last little trickle before the drought really sets in. i'm not expecting much from all this. but hey, at least its a momentary distraction.

wolf boy has of course not deigned to call or e-mail me. he is clearly done with me. and most of me understands this. except for that one last niggling little voice that's like, "wait! he may come through yet!" that voice is really irritating. i wish it would just shut up and let me be completely bitter and jaded. hope takes too much energy.

hmm... had a shrink appointment after work today, but oscar (shrink) called and moved it to friday, so i get to go home and sweat it out on the stairmaster after all. its so funny how i demand instant results from all sectors of my life. like, "i've been working out for a month and a half now! where's the six-pack and accompanying throngs of hot man-flesh to satisfy my every want and desire?" that is not how it works. i've been trying to remind myself of this, but i'm a tough sell.

i wonder why i even entertain thoughts of romance when i'm quite sure i'm nowhere near healthy enough to say "hello" to someone. perhaps i'm being unduly harsh on myself. but the fact remains, i'm not in a good way. its all i can do to keep myself strung together for three days at a time. but god only knows. it wouldn't be fair to inflict myself on anyone else right now, and if that's how i feel about it, its really true.

romance sucks. i think a perfect valentine's day gift to a happy couple would be a moldering corpse, freshly delivered to their doorstep.

had a talk with kas and chris about going back to school for a masters in architecture. they were both rather heavy on the warnings. its not as fun as it seems, its not that great a creative outlet, get your license as soon as you can or you get stuck being a CAD monkey, even with a license, you'll probably get stuck in project management hell, there are eight firms in a billion that can give you what you want, you'll be lucky if people know your name by the time your sixty, etc. i appreciate their honesty, but i really don't need help doubting myself. its good that they're looking out for me and want the best for me. but i need to do something, and i do like architecture, and i'm sure i'll be able to figure out some way to make it work for me. or at least i think so. so whatever whatever whatever. i think i must continue on this path.

dammnit! its three, and i still have shit to do, and i hate everything. grrrr and aargh. i hate meeting people and subsequently being rejected by them, but i love figuring out the puzzles new people present. i like the exploration and discovery and information gathering, etc. i think i need some hobbies myself. i need some things to do.

i want to see a medium. i need some guidance over here.