Frustration

today was a good day. room is on its way to being a pleasant place for me to live. new furniture, cleaned out, ready for reorganization tomorrow. went to the gym also. no outlet malls tomorrow (thank god!) but breakfast with dad, which should be nice.

i am in the midst, however, of the grumblies. my mind, like an empty stomach, is gurgling and whining with frustrations. i am well aware that wolfie has a tenuous grasp on internet access. however, i need more contact. a week is too much time. i need a lot more reassurance and conversation. i am needyneedyneedy. and mostly, right now, i need more contact (needyneedyneedy) because i sent two stupid letters at the beginning of the week. so now i don't know if i killed what i thought might be the bud of something. its so hard to grow a relationship... grr... it takes so much, SO much freaking time and energy. and then, its so fragile at the beginning. so basically, i've got the old hanging on a rusty nail feeling. is he not writing back due to understandable and excusable lack of computer access, or did i frighten him. such things have been known to happen...

aargh! people are so difficult... they are when i actually care if they like me anyway. people are actually rather simple. i mean, not the people in my life, but in general... i don't tend to keep simple people around. they're uninteresting, and i bore very easily. by which i mean i get bored very easily. anyway, i don't know what to do. or what to say. or if i need to do anything. i left it alone all week. two long e-mails is enough. i'm waiting; i promised myself i would leave it alone until he wrote back. which i hope he does. but its easier to give people their space when you have other things to occupy your time. earlier, i had work and research to do, and my time was all filled up. and i was busy being miserably ill. now its the weekend, and i have slightly less to do. maybe i'm just impatient. i know i'm impatient. whatever.

i just need a sign, because i'm bending myself in all these fancy knots trying to play this all just right, because i desperately want this boy to like me. he's a man, actually. he's 28 years old, but 5'7" tall, so i don't know quite how to classify him. i am thrilled by this. people who defy classification are special, and deserve extra consideration. and i wish i wasn't so ridiculously obsessive. i'm sure going from zero to "holy god i'm in love love love" in five seconds wreaks havoc with my actual real-world chances. and i'm constantly telling him i find him witty, and cute, and that i like him. i really have little clue how he feels about me, beyond the fact that he seems to continue writing to me. and i'm sure i'll get a letter from him tomorrow. sunday is always the day. but goddamnit...

i think i need to dose myself up with some sudafed and read sherlock holmes until i fall asleep. aargh! i swear, this is one of those times when i slightly envy you normal people out there. i can't even deconstruct why i feel so strongly about him, and at the same time there are so many reasons i can list. but aargh! its sad and hard when you feel as though you're predestined to have some sort of relationship with someone. and somehow, i very often do. i'm attracted to people so rarely. not that its like my taste has been good in the past... whoo. but apparently, mine is the only taste i can be reasonably expected to go on.

its not good when you tailor your interactions with someone based on their star sign due to lack of other information. it doesn't bode well. and i would really love a cigarette right now. my one little dirty habit. i hardly even feel bad. life, as they say, is a bitch. i will not write him again. i am now playing the waiting game. i can wait a while longer.