I Feel Like Death

i am such a complete and utter wimp.

i used to be a fairly healthy person. i felt under the weather, you know, once or twice a year. no big problems. allergies were never that bad, and i ran around and did my think secure in the knowledge that my health was relatively unassailable. perhaps this is a fiction i am telling myself. i'm not sure. but i think not.

then i hit college age, or something like it. perhaps it was that living in texas never taxed my system that much. winter here is pretty much a joke. connecticut is really, really different; snow, sleet, ice, days of ridiculously low (to me, anyway) temperatures, etc. so i'm not surprised that i began to get sick more often. little things; allergy related sinus infections, colds, mild flu, whatever. granted, it would have been nice if i had remained a relatively well person, but new climate, new ailments, whatever. thats not why i'm a wuss.

now i'm back in texas, and i am constantly getting sick. like, in the four years of abscence, my allergies ballooned into these massive, life altering affairs. right now (and for the rest of this god-forsaken winter) its mountain cedar season. i think that basically means that i get to sniffle and sneeze, run a fever, have glassy eyes that make people think i'm blunted, and run around my little life wanting nothing more than to go to sleep and never wake up. even these painful allergies, however, are not why i'm a wuss.

i am a wuss because of what i become when i am sick. now this is partly me rebelling (again, for the eight billionth time, always) against my body and its ability to preempt anything i might have planned. i'm not kind to my body. i treat it well enough, but in the hierarchy, it is way below the all powerful noodle. so when i get sick... the noodle gets preempted. vessel! how dare you rebel against your master! etc.

beyond this, however, i am simply unable to be psychologically well when my body is in a state of yuck. i get sick, and i become this whiny, mewling, complaining thing. i bitch and moan, i am rude to people, my favorite phrase becomes "i hate EVERYTHING!"

well, now i can do it on the internet too. god how i hate being sick.