i am afraid.

i am afraid now. i am frightened. if there is another complaint, a noise complaint from our area, melissa and lauren and me, there will be serious consequences. i believe that means that someone will be fired. i believe that someone will be me. no one else seems to have these problems working here. none of us like our new digs, but no one seems to have my problems. of course. because they're my problems, mine by definition. no one else can have them. i couldn't give them away if i tried.

i am frightened and confused. no one here seems to like us. and i keep doing things to make sure they don't like us. i brough in my plants, and i knew that would irritate people. but i did it anyway, because i wanted to throw a wrench into the harcourt gears. well, i'm too weak right now to stand behind my wrenches, and the gears ate that baby all up. there's no wrench left. there's me and a bunch of plants, and a lot of noise complaints that center around me, even though everyone is too nice to say so.

someone threw a candy wrapper in one of my plants' pots. i picked it out and put up a sign. "hello! though we are full of dirt, and might smell of earth, we are living and breathing beings, just like yourself. with this in mind, please refrain from throwing trash in us. we don't appreciate it. thank you." i can only imagine this will get me into more trouble. i don't know whether to take the plants home or leave them here... i wanted them here. they make me happy. but i suppose i should find ways to be happy that don't involve the discomfort of others.

so i'm here, and i'm afraid. because i'd rather not be fired, and this situation is all so mucky, and i hate it all. why can't we all just sit down and hammer this out? even if we didn't immediately come to an agreement, at least we would begin to be actual people to each other rather than, "that noisy fag!" or "that sciency bitch!" i want there to be an effort to move this all to a peaceful resolution, but there isn't one, and i can't make there be one.

can't we all just get along? its a stupid, cliched line, but it fits me. i want to make things better. i want to make sick things whole. and i'm in a situation that has no place for that kind of energy. see, that's the thing, all of this, rationally speaking is just a little hiccup in interpersonal relations, and if i am quieter, all problems will go away. and theoretically, this does not mean that i am surrendering, or losing, or anything of the sort. but it feels like i am. and it all feels so huge, because its tapping some very deep shit in me. the mother-lode shit. the shit thats all about "how do i function, what do i want out of life, what drives me every second of every day, what am i bringing to every situation i enter into?" that shit. and that shit, is not shit you want to play around with. its hard to deal with that shit. and if you try and speak coolly and logically to that shit, it will throw a spear through your eye, because this shit is not about the cool and the logical. its about the survival of you and the core of your being. this shit is angry, and it will not hesitate to use force.

as mom brought up last night, (we talked about this, of course), this would probably all be a lot easier to deal with if i were in a position in life where it felt like something was going right. but i'm not so much. there isn't a lot of stability right now, or nurturing, or anything of that nature. i have a minimal root system, and therefore feel able to throw up one, maybe two branches at a time, but man do those branches creak in the wind. and they're creaking right now, lemme tell you.

but as i sit here and bitch, and detail my poor-mes, i'm avoiding some work that would help me get out of here. so i bid you adieu, and i'm off to improve my situation.