Sadness

what am i going to do after tonight, when every television station stops running scary movies? josh loves watching scary movies, even bad ones... i love being able to turn on the t.v. and find something on some station that'll give me a mild case of the willies... spike t.v., amc, sci-fi, fx... all of you have given me so much... carrie, an american werewolf in london, thirteen ghosts, and more... i need more. i must find a way to make this continue all the time. because scary movies rock my shit... hells yeah!

on another note, its about to be november, which is pretty cool. i like november. there's turkey day, which is problematic if you think genocide is a bad thing, but still a nice day to lie around, read, cook, and stuff yourself with the fam. and my cousin a. will be coming to dad's house this year for the day. a. is a pretty much unknown entity to me, so it will be fun to discover who she is. her dad, my dad's brother, died two or three years ago, her mother is a wingnut, and she just finished paying her way through college and getting a job in a nearby state, so we're her foster family for turkey day. should be interesting.

my application to ut is mostly finished... both undergraduate transcripts are in. all three lucky letter-of-recommendation writers have recieved their materials, and i am almost done with my statement of purpose. i have an interview set up with the graduate advisor for the architecture program, and i got the contact info for my as yet unreachable architecture professor from college. sweet. i need to apply to houston also, but i am praying like someone who believes for real (unlike for fake, like me) that i get in at austin. i wanna go to austin. there are crunchy people there. all that recommends houston is a huge ass mall. and lots of gay people. ugh... austin austin austin...

my friends had a halloween party this last saturday. i went dressed as Jay Kay, the beautiful dancing monkey who fronts Jamiroquai, everyone's favorite funk/acid-rock band from australia. yeah... no one knew who the hell i was, but i looked damn good. and i wish i were a little happier, because then maybe i would feel like listening to jamiroquai more often. i like them a lot. but they're often too peppy for me. and i wish i had more sexual vitality at the moment. then i would remember how much i desire Jay and his funky hats and hip dancing. i miss my little shrine to him on my cubicle wall at work... mmm... Jay Kay...

the party itself was pretty good. i of course got far too drunk and fell asleep/passed out at midnight. but other than that, good things. cool people, excellent conversation, shaun of the dead on t.v., postal service on the stereo, all the makings of excellence. my white furry hat was way too hot, but i toughed it out. and c.'s boyfriend f. was sooo nice to me, and said nice things, and made me feel so much better about him and c., and my relation to them, so that was sweet. and that was that. excellent. now i just need to remember that tonight is actually halloween. demon days are on their way...

i love the gorillaz...

scooter libby has been indicted. hah, hah, hah! i'm so happy about it all... dad went to yale with scooter, they were in the same class (though they weren't friends or anything...) so i got the double pleasure of comparing a newsweek photo of scoot with his yearbook photo. yes, he looks exactly the same... and he is now in deep doo doo. in addition, it seems likely that karl rove will also be indicted. which would rock hard. of course, it was nice to see harriet miers go down as well, but now we all have to deal with alito. yuck. but hey, at least democrats are acting all frothy at the mouth right from the start... go for it guys! take 'im down!

this weekend i go to austin for all manner of meetings and interviews. i have ten temporary agencies i want to apply with, four coffee shops, any bookstores i pass by, that interview at the university, and i'll be staying with mr. bui. so lots is happening this week. too much. but hey, whatev... its all cool in the gang. or something.

i should probably check to see if ted wind, my military buddy, is still actually alive. its hard to love a soldier. trust me on this.

there are things i should do, but i have so little patience... and its so friggin' early! i'm not up to it all... i need to make a list of things to do. and play some pokemon on gameboy. yes, i have fallen under the evil spell of that damn game once again. but its a nice break from reading all the time. and besides, i'm never sure what i want to be reading these days. i tried to read some virginia woolfe, but it was hard. i might give up. i want to get the new al franken book, but that's money, though here in texas, its already 30% off the msrp... go figure...

but yes. i should do more things today. like start calling temp agencies, and call my architecture professor. i am a child. the word "poop" is so funny to me right now... why can't i learn to say shit, like an adult? and i'm slowly losing weight. i think. i'm not always sure, but i think i am. and i'm exercising, which is nice. being healthy is cool! or the only path that seems to work for me, anyway... i think i should call a halt to all this and be productive for a little while longer.

so much to do...

sing a little busy song...

Trouble...

trouble is... knowing that my brother is bringing home the weed tonight. i don't want to want it. i will resist. i have better things to do. but i'm not doing any of them... my head is so fuzzled, and my brain is on mega-auto-pilot. like this auto-pilot weighs three-hundred pounds. and is a mobile suit gundam without the human inside. but that would mean it weighs like, a few tons. or a lotta tons. i have a lotta tons of mobile suit brainlessness in me head. with a pissed off little nightmare in control. like the nightmare is so small that all he can affect is a vague feeling of unease, like "i know i should be doing things now, but that just seems so difficult..."

that was a really long description of lethargy. and laziness. at least it was fun. it made me smile. grr...

i had a fairly productive week, but as so often happens, all the productiveness took place during one day, so that i spent the rest of the time lying on my ass and/or recovering from that day. sooo lazy...

i watch too much t.v. it makes me sick. i feel physically ill right now. i don't actually watch THAT much t.v. but still, more than enough. and i'm so tired of reading books to try and drown out the noise... sure, it makes me feel a little brainier and self-righteous than t.v., but its still just mental masturbation. a lot of things feel that way at the moment...

i am in the midst of completing my application to grad school. irritating, but necessary. i'm trying to get an idea of where to look for an apartment in austin. i've slowed down on the job search while i work on app. i hope to finish app this weekend so that i can get back to work on all the other things on my plate. i have all these things to do, but they all pay future dividends, and in the meantime, i'm just busy and irritable. blah blah blah.

i have an idea for another story, oops, i mean i found another demon to exorcise that lends itself to some form of written narrative. granted, i COULD look at that as mental masturbation, but it feels way too good and productive. it is helping me be a better me, or at least explore me, which is nice. or something. mostly, it makes me feel less like exploding, or imploding, or becoming violent. i'll still be a moody bitch (sorry to my brother, who will probably bear the brunt of that...) but i'll feel a little lighter for a few days.

my last story seems to have gone over well. mom liked it, in that she thought it was good. i don't seem to write the type of stories one "likes," persee. more like, the kind that are very effective and sort of (maybe more than sort of) frightening, and seem to cause acute unease to the readers. friend kas also liked it, and dad was moved by it. he didn't say much, because he gets really freaked out by my freaky stories. i always wonder why. i'm not going to lose sleep over it right now, though... but clearly, it effected him.

he's stupid. not stupid. but he just... gets this odd look on his face after finishing one of my stories, and brings up a story i wrote in my halcyon days of elementary school (when i was also depressed and moody, by the way...) about a friggin' butterfly. he wishes i could write happy things, i think mostly so he could read happy things. maybe this is just my ego talking (as opposed to... ?) but i like to think/pretend that he feels just a twinge of what could be described as guilt that he contributed to a psyche that produces such uncomfortable works/words of art. he clearly doesn't like that my present inner turmoils must intrude on the idyllic little life/wife he's finally managed to construct for himself. kay, i apparently remembered to take my bitter pills this morning... but i've been mulling this over, so i suppose it was time to vomit it out.

anyway, i'm very proud of my story, and am excited about writing another one. i've gotten back to the gym, which is a lovely way to trick myself into feeling productive. also, it really is good for me, in many ways, so kudos. i just wish it were having a more noticeable effect on my physical appearance. it is, just slowly. that's the way it goes.

anyway, i'll be done with this for now. i have said my peace. there will be more later.

duh...

The Substance Abuse Entry...

all right. so in an effort to purge my soul (yom kippur was the last two days, and its all about purging of the soul and related activities (introspection, thinking about how to be a better person, an entire day of fasting and prayer, you know, all the good stuff...)) i will just start off today's postings with a rundown of sad and sordid facts...

i housesat for my dad and audrey (his wife) this last thursday thru sunday. they were visiting sister at her college. i got drunk thursday night, spent friday in bed, got stoned (reeeally stoned) on friday night with zach and some of his peeps, spent most of saturday in bed, got drunk again saturday night, slept for a lot of sunday, and then picked them up from the airport and dropped them off. oh yeah, and brother and i got stoned sunday night. in honor of columbus day... psssh! yeah right!

during the course of it all, i sustained an ugly gash on my nose. i have no clue how, because i was too drunk to remember when i woke up. i just looked in the mirror and said, "hey, there's a big old abrasion that wasn't there before!" i also vomited, but i cleaned that toilet, so its all good. i did completely nothing about my future plans. and i fished my drivers license out of the license eating couch at my mom's so i could replace all the liquor i consumed. it was a weekend of hedonism. and now its over.

so what did i learn? drinking alone is really not fun. and not healthy. i don't like that i was weak enough to do it. and i really hate being alone. and pot is lots of fun, but only once in a blue moon. twice in a weekend is too much. i like it to be a special little sidetrack. but noOo! i had to do it twice. i had fun both times, but yeah... too much. also, hanging with my brother and his friends is just sad, and i hate that i do that too.

just wanted to get it off my chest... time for a lot of sobriety. its a state far too often overlooked.

No Touchie, No Feelie

the compulsion to go buy a bottle of whiskey and drink a lot of it is quite strong recently. this is not good. i keep managing to find myself not having the time to do so, or i'm out, but the stores closed already. these are good things. i'm still conspiring against my self-destructive desires, which is cool. that or i'm lucky. and luck, as we all know, just doesn't last forever.

i've written a story. its dark. (i told that to mom, those two sentences, verbatim. she burst into laughter. "is that like, supposed to be a surprise or something?" i guess not.) i did a second draft on my computer. i need to wait a few days and really edit the hell out of it. so far, i like it, but i think parts of it need re-working. remember kids, character motivation should be plausible, whatever that means in the fictional world you're creating. i hate editing... i hate editing my own work. but i need to make sure it all works, and produces the correct visceral effect. ah, the creative process...

i'm steeling myself to go out and run an errand or two and go get coffee for a bit. i'm not sure what to do on the computer. i should probably start looking for a place in austin. i need to move up there, even if i don't yet have a job lined up. that will just have to wait for a time. i'm working on it. i think i need to make a day trip and hang out with a vietnamese boy who might be my friend and apply at any coffee shop and bookstore we pass as we tool around the city. that, is the plan. of course, said boy is sick at the moment. we'll see if he gets better.

"yo mama is so cross-eyed, when she cry, tears roll down her back."

it is rosh hashana, the jewish new year. an excuse to get drunk, if ever i heard one. jews, celebration, booze. the three go together like baseball, apple pie, and the genocide of the american indian. no booze. bad alcy.

sometimes, i find myself singing along with a song, completely forgetting what i was doing beforehand. i like that. it is scientifically proven that singing improves one's mood. it has to do partly with breathing correctly, which greatly improves anyone's singing skills. i think it simply also has to do with letting one's soul fly. i think making noise is a heavenly process. proudly and unabashedly announcing one's presence, one's life, one's ability to effect the world around them, it is good. its just good.

kay. i think i've been shmaltzy enough for one morning. time to put on a hat, get a usb connection cord, and go have coffee. and maybe get a book beforehand. i don't know what to read anymore. i've devoured so many thousands of pages recently... perhaps its time to write more of my own... we'll try that out and see how it goes. adieu adieu.

hey yey yey...