Trouble...

trouble is... knowing that my brother is bringing home the weed tonight. i don't want to want it. i will resist. i have better things to do. but i'm not doing any of them... my head is so fuzzled, and my brain is on mega-auto-pilot. like this auto-pilot weighs three-hundred pounds. and is a mobile suit gundam without the human inside. but that would mean it weighs like, a few tons. or a lotta tons. i have a lotta tons of mobile suit brainlessness in me head. with a pissed off little nightmare in control. like the nightmare is so small that all he can affect is a vague feeling of unease, like "i know i should be doing things now, but that just seems so difficult..."

that was a really long description of lethargy. and laziness. at least it was fun. it made me smile. grr...

i had a fairly productive week, but as so often happens, all the productiveness took place during one day, so that i spent the rest of the time lying on my ass and/or recovering from that day. sooo lazy...

i watch too much t.v. it makes me sick. i feel physically ill right now. i don't actually watch THAT much t.v. but still, more than enough. and i'm so tired of reading books to try and drown out the noise... sure, it makes me feel a little brainier and self-righteous than t.v., but its still just mental masturbation. a lot of things feel that way at the moment...

i am in the midst of completing my application to grad school. irritating, but necessary. i'm trying to get an idea of where to look for an apartment in austin. i've slowed down on the job search while i work on app. i hope to finish app this weekend so that i can get back to work on all the other things on my plate. i have all these things to do, but they all pay future dividends, and in the meantime, i'm just busy and irritable. blah blah blah.

i have an idea for another story, oops, i mean i found another demon to exorcise that lends itself to some form of written narrative. granted, i COULD look at that as mental masturbation, but it feels way too good and productive. it is helping me be a better me, or at least explore me, which is nice. or something. mostly, it makes me feel less like exploding, or imploding, or becoming violent. i'll still be a moody bitch (sorry to my brother, who will probably bear the brunt of that...) but i'll feel a little lighter for a few days.

my last story seems to have gone over well. mom liked it, in that she thought it was good. i don't seem to write the type of stories one "likes," persee. more like, the kind that are very effective and sort of (maybe more than sort of) frightening, and seem to cause acute unease to the readers. friend kas also liked it, and dad was moved by it. he didn't say much, because he gets really freaked out by my freaky stories. i always wonder why. i'm not going to lose sleep over it right now, though... but clearly, it effected him.

he's stupid. not stupid. but he just... gets this odd look on his face after finishing one of my stories, and brings up a story i wrote in my halcyon days of elementary school (when i was also depressed and moody, by the way...) about a friggin' butterfly. he wishes i could write happy things, i think mostly so he could read happy things. maybe this is just my ego talking (as opposed to... ?) but i like to think/pretend that he feels just a twinge of what could be described as guilt that he contributed to a psyche that produces such uncomfortable works/words of art. he clearly doesn't like that my present inner turmoils must intrude on the idyllic little life/wife he's finally managed to construct for himself. kay, i apparently remembered to take my bitter pills this morning... but i've been mulling this over, so i suppose it was time to vomit it out.

anyway, i'm very proud of my story, and am excited about writing another one. i've gotten back to the gym, which is a lovely way to trick myself into feeling productive. also, it really is good for me, in many ways, so kudos. i just wish it were having a more noticeable effect on my physical appearance. it is, just slowly. that's the way it goes.

anyway, i'll be done with this for now. i have said my peace. there will be more later.

duh...