Repeat ad nauseum

you know that feeling, when you find a song that you just want to listen to over and over and over again. you never want it to end. you wish it lasted forever. you listen to it on instant replay until you feel a little bit of the specialness fade away. so you stop and listen to something else. you want to save that little bit of water for the miles of desert ahead. but before long, you're listening to it again, and its still the most beautiful thing you've ever heard.

a long time ago, there was a boy who decided that the epitome of being strong was to be weak. strong and weak are foolish concepts to begin with. but this boy had bought into them because we all do, because that is what we are all taught to believe. and all of us believing in some version of the same things, this is called society. but i digress.

this boy couldn't shake his belief that being emotionally dependent upon someone was somehow weak. interdependence was dangerous, and besides that an unknown concept at the time. the boy couldn't reconcile his emotional ties to people with a need to be strong; a need he equated with being self-sufficient and independent. but he needed those ties, so he invented a philosophy to save himself.

"the strength it takes to own up to and claim one's feelings," the boy philosophized, "far outstrips any weakness those feelings belie." one needs an indomitable strength of spirit to allow themself to be so weak and vulnerable, is what the boy reasoned. thus justified, the boy set out to have his heart bent and twisted, perhaps broken. but in a way, things were how they were supposed to be.

i don't like that these days, i don't even know what i'm feeling anymore. i won't let myself probe and press and find out, and i don't really have anyone to talk to about things. i begin to doubt myself, and look for justification. and the feelings i do know about, i feel helpless to do anything about. i don't know where to go with any of them. all i can chant is "Escape!", over and over again.

i'm vaguely ill recently. probably just allergies, but i feel yucky and congested, full of phlegm and choking on the physical manifestation of my psychic distress. i'm really a wuss about being unwell. i become completely non-functional. i'm not used to chronic snot and headaches, sinus pressure and all those fun things. so when illness hits, i go down fast (like a drunken prom queen). i want sleep, and quiet, and the death of all beings unessential to my physical and emotional well-being.

i am not moving fast enough on this whole "moving" thing. i need to do more, more efficiently, and with a smile in my heart and a swing in my step. i actually felt excited today, and looked up some apartments. i drafted a letter of introduction to send to all those brokers and real estate dealers. tomorrow, i have to call cousins in the city and ask them about the process of procuring an apartment. time to take out a steno pad and pen and take some notes.

i just need to run far enough away so that none of this life can touch me. i need to run so far that i'll be hidden, safe from what surrounds and cloaks me in shadow right now. i want to run until i feel lighter, free-er. i want to run until my steps become leaps, and i can bound forward with more and more ease. i want to point myself towards the sun and run towards it until it blinds my eyes and cleanses every part of me. i want to run until i feel like me again.

i think i need to run really, really far.