Punctual

"people like me because i'm polite and punctual"

not really. maybe. maybe some people do. but that's not the point.

i'm writing in this blog way too often, and its starting to confuse me. up until recently, i think i mostly used this space to keep people in my life (but physically distant) abreast of what's going on with me. but more and more, since i've lost the habit of going to drink coffee and write (it always felt ridiculously pretentious, but damnit, it was fun...) i've been using this as a dumping ground for all the shit that's just floating in my head. all my lonely shit, and anxious shit, and other assorted shit, are finding their way to the blog. and i'm left wondering what to do.

i'm supposing i won't stop it. but i just wish... i wish there was less shit. i think that's part of it. the introspection i lapse into when i'm in texas has been running for far longer than its normal time limit. i'm no longer sifting through actual shit, but busying myself digging into my foundations, the things i already know about and am alright with. i've run out of useful topics. i'm just busy knocking my own legs out from under me.

i don't think its actually that extreme yet, but it feels bad. more and more, or perhaps still and still, i keep tracking down old romantic involvements, thinking about the past, checking profile sites for friends and enemies from lifetimes ago. because that's the issue. i finished one lifetime, and i'm still kicking around without having started another one. but damnit, its time baby. its time.

i saw chris today, and that was really good. but (and chris, i know you read this) theres some tension at the moment. i just wish it were easier for us to be fixtures in each others lives. but right now, it isn't, and that's unfortunate, but its all right. what i get stuck on is the fact that people can effect each other so much, often without even knowing it. so began the pseudo-philosophical musings...

i feel dead.

i should go to bed so i can be productive tomorrow.

goodnight.