I'm Back, Sort Of

i'm back. back in san antonio. things could be better, i'll admit it. its like if you normally live with satan, but every now and then you both take a vacation out of hell. and you go to heaven, see all your pals, check out the place, have a real blast. but then, that week is over and you go back home. and granted, home is familiar... you have your old burning rocks and pools of brimstone, but face it, no matter how comfortable, home is hell. you live in hell.

i'm not saying i don't love my family or my friends here. i'm not saying san antonio is without its own brand of slow, sleepy charm. but i really need to get this off my chest for a second.

I FUCKING HATE IT HERE!!!

i have nowhere else to really funnel all this right now, so here we are at the blog. texas is just fine, sort of... many millions of people seem to do all right living here, and are happy here, and its not fair to say they're ALL delusional. but i, am not happy here. i think i am not capable of being happy here. it doesn't work. and the facts are all the more cutting when i dive back in after a blissful week in new york. sure, it was intense, and at times things were a bit scary and overwhelming,

BUT I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!!!

it hurts to be here. and i've stopped chronically overeating, which was my first method of dealing with the stress of returning home. and i've stopped smoking my brains out. (pretty much occurred at the same time as the overeating...) and i'm going to yoga and the gym, and i'm trying to get out of the house and write every now and then. and i'm trying to keep my plans on track. but you know, it all just makes me sadder, because its so damn hard, and i realize now more than ever before that i need to get out. i'm tired of simply subsisting. i'm tired of getting by. i am sick of it.

i want, more than anything else, to feel alive again. and so that's what i'm trying to accomplish.

if all goes according to plan, i only have three or four more months here. i need to take some courses this summer, take some courses this fall, and start working on applications, because in the name of all that is holy, i'll be getting a masters in architecture, and nothing in the world is going to stop me. i am getting out of here and going somewhere where it is possible for me to be happy.

i'm leaving it all behind.

i'm going away.

and my cd-rom drive still won't work...

fuck it all.