YES

this is where i want to be; right here. this is where i'm supposed to be. right here. i am right here. right now. like that song by fatboy slim, or that other song, by van halen, or some other white men with big hair during the eighties. the here and now. its a popular phrase, if i remember correctly.

the most recent fortune cookie i got said that a romantic mystery would enrich my life soon. terrifying, i know. romance sounds dangerous. but mystery is good. i always love a good puzzle to solve... but i also have eight billion things to do right now. too much. more to do. things to take care of; doctor appointments to make, insurance to sort out, travel plans, school in autumn, a job so i don't go broke. and i need to start doing some physical activity again. and writing. so much writing to do...

i want to write an essay on how modern life makes schizophrenics of us all. i know, i know, the idea isn't new, and i'm just trying to find an excuse for my own mpd (multiple personality disorder, for those not raised by psychologists...). but i want to write the paper anyway. because it bears repeating: modern life is so fracturing, its a wonder anyone can pull themselves together and get to work in the morning...

inspired by a freudian streak, and my own personal experience, i've come to my own conclusions about the human psyche. or at least my own human psyche, for i am certainly a human, and i certainly have a psyche. but i suddenly find myself unable to tackle it all right now. but i'll try, for you, because i love you so...

the psyche is currently a terribly fractured thing. modern society, with its jobs and bosses, its puritanical streak, its discomfort with sex, with feeling, with empathy, its call for conformity and "normal behaviour", fractures us all. there are too many things to be, for too many audiences that are unwilling to accept us as whole human beings. at work, one is not allowed to be anything but a smiling automaton. at home, family expects us to be wholesome and helpful. there are precious few situations that do not call on me to jettison something of myself or ignore an aspect of me. apparently this is a necessary part of joining the modern world. well fuck that...

my own mind has gone through a great many more schisms. with divorced parents, i am called upon to be something different to each; my mother, my father, my stepmother. no safety is to be found in my siblings, who find me embarassing and strange. but my own brain, which often is supposed to be a sacred, private space, is full of different people. so many aspects of my personality all clamoring for acceptance and expression. each is a full being, it seems. they are a resounding chorus, all reacting in their own singular ways to the situations i find myself in. and they take on voices. the part of me that is inspired by my father speaks in his voice, as the part inherited from my mother speaks in hers. my friends' voices are there, as well as the many mes that exist. it is a dizzying place, my skull.

now that my uncle is gone and i have some time of my own, i am questing for privacy. i don't wish to keep secrets, but i wish to have a part of my life belong only to me, and be mine to share or not share. it is difficult. so many people clamoring for time and attention; there are difficulties.

what manner of creature am i?

i seem to get in trouble for decisions i make. i have decided to not be sorry for how i feel or what i decide to do. this doesn't mean i am not a guilt-driven and obligated individual. but if i decide to sleep through an afternoon because i am tired and distressed, i don't want to feel sorry about it. of course there are other, more productive things i could do with my time, but my decisions are my own, and i have no desire to feel bad about them.

i don't see anything to be gained by feeling sad about my human needs and desires. food, sex, sleep, all of these are things i love talking about, and more importantly, taking part in. i am human. i am not perfect. but being perfect is not my job. my job is to be the best i can be. i desire to act morally, to continue to develop and listen to my spiritual self, and to be the best human i know how to be. i eat, i shit, i fuck. i get sick. i yell at people, and act surly. it is all part of existence. i do not want to feel bad about it.

feeling bad, and guilty, are fairly useless things. they more often seem to get in the way of moving forward rather than spur one on to higher pursuits. i don't believe in feeling bad about the things i do. i don't believe in feeling bad about me. i still have self esteem issues, and no grasp of reality, but i don't want to waste my time breaking myself down. there are enough people out there who will do that anyway. i'd rather fight them. i like fighting. it makes me feel alive and vital.

my sister and i are going to yoga tomorrow morning. she has a bad back, and might really benefit from yoga. i haven't done any physical activity in months. it should be good. but i might be hung over. but yoga tends to help with that. it should be a fun morning, that will be upon me all too soon.

i am me, and there will be no shame.