Out of Control

fast, cheap, and out of control. actually, no. fast is subjective i suppose, but paying to be a diabetic is not cheap. and my sugars are completely out of control.

and do you know the best part? its for no reason that i can see. i don't eat as healthily as i should (meaning i still eat more healthily than, oh, 85 percent of american males my age) but i take what should be enough insulin to cover things. but then there are these nagging doubts... am i eating more sugar than i think? is my compulsive eating (the current manifestation of my anxiety and addictive traits) more insane than i thought? am i grossly miscalculating how much insulin i need? basically, is this somehow my fault?

because, i think, regardless of doubts, my daily habits have not changed overly much. i think something is wrong. i changed out all my insulin, ALL OF IT, with new shipments fresh from the refrigerator. every evening, when i'm invariably high, i take enough insulin to knock me back down to normal, plus my regular night-time insulin, i still wake up high in the morning. even the day i went to the gym AND yoga, and ate nothing but salad and protein, i didn't drop below 160 all day.


something is definitely wrong with me.

and i can't control it. i'm not drinking. i'm not smoking. i'm exercising. i'm trying to get my shit together and move to new york. and my blood sugar, my body, is out of whack. do you know what it feels like to be doing everything right and still have things go wrong, have your own body engaged in rebellion against your efforts? i thought i was starting to get things under control. i thought i was getting back on track. but my body has other plans of some sort. plans that involve having my extremities amputated in my later years, it seems.

i don't know what to do. but i'm really quite upset about it all. and having constantly high blood sugar makes me feel ill and moody, and tired. i snap at people. i crave constant naps. and people make fun of me for it. my brother gets home after his piss-ant job at the bagel shop (they don't even make their own bagels...) and says "hey, i'm home! don't worry josh, go back to sleep." or "did i wake you from your first nap?" or "is this your second nap of the day?"

i should not have to justify myself to anyone, and i deny your request, nay, demand that i do so.

go FUCK yourself.

i could rant more, but i think i'm not going to right now.

but suffice it to say, i'm not happy.