She Cut My Hair With a Razor!

i'm having trouble getting over a growing fascination with imogen heap. she was half of froufrou, the vocal half, though she also plays multiple instruments and is a production and studio whiz. (the other half was butch vig) but i keep listening to the froufrou album, and a few tracks off her upcoming solo release. "hide and seek" is absolutely addictive. it feels otherworldly. and i'm so worried i'm just falling back into my little "all female singer-songwriters are great!" rut. but i suppose so long as it makes me happy... nothing to complain about.

i keep trying to add extra letters to the words in this posting. not in my british way, but just random extra letters at the ends of words; and not the first letter of the next word, but just shit. like a "w" wherever i apparently feel like there needs to be one. i guess i think "w" is an underused letter. or perhaps i'm just becoming a sloppy typist in my old age. hah.

i have to call friends and cousins in new york today, and ask them about living there. and look for apartments and a job. and it all feels rather overwhelming, and makes me want to go to bed. bad josh! no bed! but i at least seem to have a roommate. so that's a step. i'm just... i had my faux birthday party last night. dad's taken to throwing summer birthdays for us, his grown up autumn children, because we're never there for our real birthdays. so it was all cute and happy (except my siblings feel all right about walking out in the middle of my birthday party... miffed about that...) and i think, whenever i have a happy moment here, it makes leaving that much harder. buggerall!

rachel had an excuse for an early departure from my party, since she takes the mcat on saturday (tomorrow). but zach just had to go party hearty since school starts on monday. a) its embarassing that i actually depend on them for emotional support to some degree, and that it shows by my really wanting them to be there for my party. b) zach was like, "i'm gonna watch five minutes of the movie (kung fu hustle) and then leave. and i'm like, "yeah, sure, whatever." so he asks if i'm mad, and i say, "yes, i am, but whatever, do what you need to do, i'll get over it." which is true, but i don't want to "get over it." i want my family (siblings) to feel like my birthday party is an event they should be at. and i also want to not feel that way, since it leads to hurt. ah fuck. what a fucking mess. in my head...

and zach really did time those five minutes and then up and go. and when his phone kept ringing during the evening, i asked him to please turn it off. and he got all huffy. i just want to beat the crap out of him. he bitches about us all not being emotionally sensitive enough around him (bullshit), but he can do as he pleases and we all have to tip-toe around his emotionally-blackmailing ass. god forbid i make a demand of him.

just because i am quiet does not mean i am some form of robot with no desires wishes and feelings of my own. i just act like one to try and null the pain of daily life. because of people like him. and its easier than constant confrontation. both our faults, really.

at least the movie itself still makes me really happy.

and yes, i recently got a haircut, and its too short, and makes me feel like my head looks blocky, and its too short to show signs of bed-head upon waking. but its pretty cool nonetheless, and she did use a razor, for ultra-texture, and that pretty much rocks. i've never had my hair cut with a razor before. it was neat.

i think that will be all for now. there's a boy in austin who i think is starting to have a rather large degree of feeling for me. i'm not sure what to do about this situation. and i'm not sure if he still reads the blog. so i'm not sure what to say. so i will keep my secrets. strong enough for a man, made for a woman. i will listen to imogen heap, and start my day.

goodbye.