Confusion

e once said she wished there was a map for the post college world. i always shared the sentiment, and now moreso than ever.

i'm not sure what to do with myself anymore. i think i've settled on the idea of going to graduate school for architecture. fine. cool. apply by february. got it. but beyond that, i have no clue.

where do i want to go to school? i wanted to go in new york. but new york is expensive, and it would eat up every last bit of money i have.

so, why do i want to go to new york? yes, i like the city. but mostly, my friends are there, and i want to be with them. lovely sentiment.

i am so convinced that i'll never be able to make friends again... that college was some strange fluke of a perfect universe, and there is no way i can manage to set up a life for myself anywhere else in the world. part of me is not sure that i can do it again. and i also feel like, if i did, i'd be cheating on my current friends. i'd be an unloyal faux friend.

mom suggested that maybe i go to school in austin. i suppose that would be all right. austin is a nice place. but i'm afraid it won't be good enough. i feel like i need to get further away, and escape the curse of texas. but that's money. and i just don't know.

i really have never been so confused in my life. i have no idea what to do. or where to go. i'm not sure of my motivations, or what i'm trying to accomplish. i only choose grad school because at least when i'm in school, i feel like my life has a purpose, and that i'm accomplishing something.

i'm just lost.

i am very lost, and i don't like the feeling.