No one reads this.

no really; no one reads this blog. i am now as adrift in e-space as i am in real-space. and granted, its partly my fault. i could try and keep up with people better. i could be kinder, warmer, and more open. but i haven't done or been those things, and so now i'm just venting to the ether. which is actually kind of comforting... its nice to know that however full of self-pity and melancholy i become, no one will have to read about it... no one will be subjected to it. no one will feel called upon to do something about it. and that's fine, because its my shit to deal with. and typing about it is at least a start.

i am tired. and by tired, i mean emotionally overwhelmed. i found a room to rent in austin, in what seems to be a really cool house full of really cool people. and this is great, and exciting, but it also means i have ass-loads of things to do to get myself ready to move. i can move in any time this coming january, but it just seems so huge... and christmas has taken up all my time until now. and i'm tired and drained from that. but i got an ipod nano and a ganesha car air freshener (it smells like enlightenment!) so that's cool. i'm just... spent. fully and totally spent.

in addition, my statement of purpose for architecture school is killing me. it is straight up killing me. to death. its just this ultimate headache, that i don't know how to write. people keep giving advice. their advice conflicts with other people's advice. i'm afraid of writing it because i fear being honest and open enough to put my head on the chopping block. which is completely irrational. but its how it feels... give away too much of yourself, and it can become a weapon in the hands of those who would do you ill... and granted, these are the words of a paranoid and possibly deeply disturbed individual. but i just can't shake it. i'm too aloof. i'm overwrought and desperate to conceal at the same time that i reveal. it just doesn't work. i'm trying again tomorrow. i'm just so tired of it all... i want it to end, and that means i just need to write it. again.

i'm technically all right, i suppose... healthy, not so sick anymore, etc... but i just feel, so heavy... i feel like i'm mentally plodding, stuck in mire and unable to pull myself out. my boots are made of iron, and they keep getting sucked down by the greedy mud. both my siblings had social events to go to tonight. i got to go to the gym with mom and eat supper. and think about my essay. way, too, much... i want to not think. i have no alcohol, and zach has the barest smidgen of pot left, that i don't feel comfortable smoking without him or without asking him, and he's busy with his girlfriend... its their one month anniversary. i just want to not think for a little while. i'm thinking too much. i can't make it stop. i'm a little bit upset at the moment. maybe you noticed...

okay, i'm really upset... but one of my friends just did poorly on her lsats, and another just got out of iraq and will be back home early january. my life just seems... so insignificant... i feel like i have very little to complain about. i have a place in austin! and yet... heavy like lead. i just feel heavy like hot lead, with my brain buzzing in circles while not coming to any conclusions. and maybe that's why i'm really happy that no one reads this. because i can be so self-absorbed and egotistical, and yet look like a nice guy to the rest of the world... well, i'm not a nice guy. i'm angry and argumentative, with a constant axe to grind. i have to always be right, and i am a social downer. i'm cruel and petty, and use a smug sense of self-righteousness to mask my own uncertainty and lack of confidence. and no one sees through it all to what a sad little bug i am. and that, is my great success, and my great shortcoming. my perfect disguise has rendered me alone and unable to find anyone else. and i am very, very sad.