Keeping the Seat Warm

at this point, i never even know what i'm going to say when i update... i just do it because there's so much boring internet time to fill, and this is one more way to avoid doing the work i know i have to do. (i'll do it in a second, MOM! why don't you just get off my back! i know how to work! i'll finish! GOD!) no no, things with the mother are all right at the moment. she's just the only one who knows what my daily life is like, so she's the one to spur me and inquire every now and then. yes, i'm a little bitter about it, but mostly, i'm thankful someone cares enough to keep informed and make a nuisance of themselves.

so yes, i am seat-warming the blog for when i have something of true import to say. monday was fucking cold (for texas...) and tuesday was better, but today another front is rolling through, so the next few days should be bitter. cool, but i'm so cold even walking around inside the house with pants and a long sleeved shirt and puffy slippers on... c'mon, we have central heating, goddamnit! why am i constantly feeling like ice-man? but on that note, i saw buia-san on sunday, and later on, he told me i looked skinnier. which made me happy and surprised, but my next thought was, "maybe he's lying!" yes. i am so desperate to be "fat" in my eyes that i question everyone's credibility. but no. i am losing precious warming body fat and not gaining major muscle mass (though my shoulders are looking better) so of course, i'm really really cold. thank you elementary biology...

margaret cho posted a movie on her blog that her husband made. its a birthday present for her, and it basically is a music video of her little chihuahua/pomeranian mix puppy dancing around and looking cute. its really well done, really super cute, and i enjoyed it immensely. you should check it out, if your into that sort of thing... also, wonkette.com is completely obsessed with the panda cub born at the d.c. zoo a while ago. its chinese name translates roughly into "butterstick," already the material of a sitcom, no? but she is so butter-smitten that its just fun to scroll the page and find so many strange little references to the little beastie. oh course, the rest of the page is good too... go for it. you're reading my blog, you can't be that busy.

i need to get out of the house. all i want to do here is sleep. at least at bucks, i can read and do puzzles. and drink life-affirming coffee. but here, there's just me, the crazy cat, the deaf dog, and the sound of the wind outside the windows. i am lonely. another reason to leave the house; i get to see other human beings... even if you don't like people, its nice to be among them... you get to observe, and listen, and laugh inside your head. sometimes there's someone cute around. sometimes there's someone uproariously hideous! that's almost better than a cute person... i constantly wonder what i'll look like as i age. i wonder if i'll be one of those people who is only attractive due to the flush of youth, and as that fades, as the energy and vitality ebb away, i will just start to look bony and sunken, with loose skin and jowls. i have way too much time on my hands.

therapy yesterday. it was kind of scary. he made me sort of plead my case as to what i thought we could accomplish, which is fair since i told him that part of the reason i stopped coming was that i felt like all i wanted to do was bitch, and there was nothing that therapy could do to help me get through the situations at hand. so i pleaded my case, and he took me back, and i have a therapist again. tellingly enough, when i was telling the saga of zach flipping a lid because "i wasn't keeping him informed about my life" (how can i tell him things when he is NEVER. AT. HOME.) he kept mishearing me and thinking i was saying DAD was blowing a gasket. which is of course, the problem at hand. zach was acting like dad. he was acting like dad in a particular way that triggers me something awful. so then i acted like dad, and it triggered zach to feel like complete shit and think i hated him, and had always hated him, etc. so that's the mission. learn to deal with that kind of stimulus without hurting people. learn to deal with the vestiges and ghosts that dad's left in me, without the option of talking to dad about it. yeah, he took me back.

its raining now. because being cold isn't bad enough. i need to be wet as well. looks like someone's got a case of the poormes!!! and i laugh... mom just called. i love her. and she loves me. enough to call me because she knows i'm not doing well. apparently, i'm blogging because i wanted to wallow in my own loneliness. because that's really useful. no. i don't want to be angry at myself. i'm not very nice to myself (another thing to work on with therapist) and i want to change that. its just hard. and who said life would be easy? but then there's always that old sheryl crow lyric: "no one said it would be easy, but does it have to be this hard?" so much to do, so much to do...

its so funny how i can sit and stare at nothing, thinking nothing (or alot, i'm not sure which) not moving, for so long... i am like, the kind of attracting flies. if i could only get my pores to exude the scent of rotting meat... and for some reason, i keep hearing this line in my head from when i was a young, young child (early single digits) and there was a stand up comic on t.v., and he just says, "where does weight go when you lose it?" i laugh even as i type it... i find the stupidest shit funny... and why is that there? and yesterday, i started singing a bunch of muppet songs. i know i'm just reaching back in my brain, trying to find something that's pure and untainted to throw up as a defense against my current bleakness... i have that drowning feeling again. and i just can't make it go away... but i'll try. i have to much to do...

>musical interlude<

look at me,
here i am,
right where i belong...
i hear that voice
coming back to me
like an old, familiar song...
what better place could anything end,
than here with my friends,
they're all i've been looking for
and so much more and
now i'm here,
now you're here,
nothing can go wrong
cuz i am right where i belong!

>end musical interlude<

i miss jim henson really really terribly. and the muppet corporation is now owned by disney... i find that horribly horribly wrong. but i can't really do anything about it... puppeteering is dying out now. computer generated imaging is taking over completely. that stupid friggin' cgi yoda in the new star wars movies... its going to become a lost art before long, and that is extremely sad to me... its been around for millenia. ancient japanese puppet shows, punch and judy in medieval england, the muppets in the nineteen sixties and seventies. and now, hundreds of green screens and macs, manned by geeks. that's why i love tim burton and ardman studios (wallace and grommit). they forge on in a world against them, bringing humanity to bits of clay.

i'm going to be done wallowing for now. i need to get some shit together, and then get out of this god-forsaken house.

look at me,
here i am,
right where i belong...