Sick...

i think i'm sick. i'm not sure... i could just have really bad allergies. but regardless, my nose feels gross, my face feels gross, i'm unhappy and discouraged, my eyes itch, and i am so bitchy, female dogs are impressed.

it is cold here. it is wintry. but the season brings no joy. no happy thoughts of warmth inside, family, fires, etc. its just mother-fucking cold. i'm unhappy, and no amount of egg-nog or fried potato pancakes (latkes, for you goyim out there...) or whatever seems able to change that. my statement of purpose is a thing of pain and irritation; no one agrees about what needs to be done to it. i'm confused. i should've just sent it and been done. now i'm just adrift, and have no clue what to do about it. more and more, recently, i've felt like just bowing my head and crying for a little while, just to take the edge off.

i have a dry cough. it is loud and yucky. dad put a hand on a copy of the essay, looked at me, and said pointedly, "you can do better than this..." i hate him. i don't know why i even share anything i write with him. but then again, no one seems to think its very good, and i have to keep reminding myself that its my essay and i can write whatever i want. but its just stress... i give up.

i need to go holiday shopping today for siblings... scarf (or multiples thereof) for rachel and a video game for zach. i don't know what i want... dad is taken care of. audrey and mom, i don't know. you guys, i don't know. i'm just not that together right now. i don't like being in therapy, because it means i have to think about things, and i'm just not feeling able to do that right now... i just want to sleep. i want things to be different. magically. but as we know, the real world doesn't work that way... so i need to keep working. and meanwhile i just feel tired and cold.

the holiday season just makes me feel lonely. i don't need to take time off to see my family... i see them all the friggin' time. there's no catching up to do, no stories to tell... now is not a good time to be thinking about things, because i've clearly decided to be in a bad mood. for whatever reason. so fuck it.

i'm going to the post office, and then i'm going shopping.

say hi to the kids for me...