Vindication & Teddy the Mongoose

let it hereby be known that, due to reading a sherlock holmes story in which a mongoose was peripherally involved, i have spent the last few days yelling "mony mony mon-goose!" to myself/the world at large. and i could tell, from the very clues that holmes had to work with, that the small animal could be nothing but a member of the mustelid family. oh my furry brethren! how i do love you all! and yes, the mongoose's name was teddy. it was cute.

its tuesday. monday was a bust, saving my half hour of communion with the stairmaster. zach and i had a (halting) talk about our relationship, and how its changed recently. basically, i feel like i don't have time to fuck around and drug myself up and run around with him and his friends avoiding my work. so i don't hang with him as much. meanwhile, he feels like i'm abandoning him (again) and is pissed that we don't hang out anymore. how am i supposed to explain that, regardless of how much he loves me and enjoys my help and support, i will never be able to rely on him as much as he does on me. we are so different, and his opinion usually isn't one i give much thought to. i think about things that he doesn't even have opinions on.

i can't bare my soul to him the same way he does to me, and i don't even feel able to tell him so, because he'll just get angry and feel like i'm saying that he isn't good enough, and that i don't accept/respect him. its such a friggin' bind. i feel like i somehow need to get it across to him that it isn't all about him. that's the message he needs. it is not all about him; i am not here to serve as his substitute psycho-therapist. i am not here to be his constant companion. despite what he might think, i don't make my decisions based on how they'll effect him. i do not live for him, and i don't expect him to live for me.

i will always love him, be willing to talk to him, be willing to try and help him, but i try not to ask him for things he cannot give, and there are many such things. he doesn't seem to be able to understand that concept. he wants a relationship from me that i can't give him. when we talk, he gets a lot more out of it than me; he gets to air his grievances and benefit from my advice. i get to play the sponge and absorb. i can't do it all the time. its hard.

i tried to float the idea that he shouldn't try to be something other he isn't in order to try and help us be closer. he didn't seem to understand; he said he never tries to be someone he's not. aargh. i just... i can't explain these things completely honestly without hurting him. so i don't know what to do. but i've ended up disappointing him again. always. mom thinks he's never forgiven me for going away to college. i think she's right. it makes sense. he can't step back and try to see what is reasonable to expect from people, so he thinks its all right for him to expect me to be exactly like him, for us to always get along, etc. he wants us to be best friends forever with hearts and stars, and i want us to be able to speak the same language... sigh.

and i realize the last few paragraphs were garbled. i'm sorry. i'm not thinking terribly clearly at the moment.

in other news, i sent wolfie an "express interest or tell me to leave you alone" e-mail last night. it had been a week since he mailed, so i decided that i was tired of giving him space and should just confront him bluntly and get it all over with. i don't like mysteries... so what the hey. and guess what? he e-mailed me back to say he had been very busy, as i already knew, that he is wary of internet conversation, since it doesn't replace actual physical interaction, and here is his phone number, if i should desire to call.

so basically, we get the picture of a nice but slightly flighty young man who has a healthy desire to protect himself from various unsavory elements, who is interested in a relationship (scary!), and who does enjoy my e-mails, as i am a witty and clever young man. so perhaps things are back on track, and i will be calling him tomorrow. not today, but tomorrow.

so who knows, but things are looking up quite a bit, which i had hoped they would, because i wasn't looking forward to having to write him off... he seemed to cool to force me into that position. ah well. i lucked out, and was a little bit right. we'll see if my luck holds.

in other news, i have to work on the "massachusetts comprehensive assessment system" now, so i suppose i'll have to end this entry. sad. i wish i had more to say. but i don't think i do. but hey, i'm sure it'll pass.