A Place Where?

its been a while for an update. i know this. but its hard when you use your blog to communicate with your close friends, and are also having lots of (internal) issues with your close friends. also, the house computer is broken again because of my irresponsible brother... (computer viruses? what are those? they only happen to other people, right? i'm gonna go download some porn...) with that attitude, i can only wait until he's REALLY sexually active... "um, so, how long does gonorhea last exactly?" anywhoo, because of the breakitude, my computer is filling in as the house machine.

you can only imagine how much i love having my baby that i bought myself and love dearly (and that no one else even likes using, because its a mac, and therefore too "confusing"...) being manhandled by my little titanic freak of a sibling. truly, it makes me quite unhappy.

on a slight tangent, yesterday my brother, out of the blue, told me, "you're looking a lot skinnier josh. you're losing weight." after the requisite double-take, i think i said something like, "thank you?" or "really?" or some such nonsense. of course, later on that night, i let my paranoia get the best of me and asked my mom if she had told zach to say that. not that i was paranoid enough to think so, or anything... she laughed, and i think had to restrain herself from hitting me, and said she wasn't going to dignify that question with an answer. so i think the answer is no. god forbid i actually believe that my constant physical exercise is having an effect... again, i always wonder, what happens if one day i wake up skinny and am still unhappy? ahh, then the work will truly begin... i suppose.

so i'm half-heartedly trying to find a job in austin and apply to school there. mmm... three and a half years of architecture school. such an exciting thought... when all else fails, do a post-graduate program. but i'm so stuck in the lethargy of living at home, its hard to get the gears moving. i'm rusty. but hey, look, i'm online right now, and after i finish wasting time, i'll actually do some work. yeah me! go go go! i just realized that life would be so much better if i had a squadron of cheerleaders to chant for me. i think i'll have to do it myself though... luckily, i know a lot of cheers. what with being a cock-muncher and all...

my birthday came and went. it was a nice time, but i just feel out of it and i didn't really dwell on it. i don't care. twenty three is not some sort of banner year. its just a space/time filler. not that i don't plan on doing a shitload this year, just that my advancing age is not something i think a lot about. one cannot measure age with a number. anyway, i drank, smoked a few cigarettes, and hung out with friends. good times. a few days later, i actually got high with my brother. i didn't enjoy it so much. its not where my focus is. sleep is my current drug of choice anyway... if i want to avoid being productive, all i have to do is take an "hour nap". that'll kill a whole day if i work it right...

so the thrill of austin... mostly, i'm just so excited to get out and make a new life for myself. reinvention, thy name is... madonna, actually. but to be on my own and doing my own stuff, without having to take crap from anybody... there we go! that's what i'm looking for. and having new people to meet, and classes, and all sorts of stuff going on... i'm so ready for the next step in my life. yet so apathetic... ah, irony, my old friend. i must work harder. always. but its true. i'll write another application today. that's my plan. i must become a whirlwind of activity. school first, really, then job focus, then apartment. so much to do!

but part of my interest in austin and the newness it brings is my disaffection with the old. in particular, i'm having issues with college being over (you really can't put things off forever. they just go on hold until they suddenly bum-rush you) and my friends and such being beyond me right now. and in particular, with friend x. i'm just not sure where things stand with x. and i'm too tired to even think about it right now. thinking and dwelling is counterproductive. action is the only way. x, you're on pause. see ya.

yes, i'm angry. i'm angry, and i'm confused, and x isn't helping at all. and i don't know if its all in my head or what. but it all seems like a big mess, and i'll deal with it later, when i have the time and energy. meanwhile, i feel betrayed and left behind. and we didn't get a speck of rain from rita. its stayed dry as a bone with record breaking high temperatures.

life can certainly be a bitch.

hi e. i'm trying to take care of myself. i think maybe, someday, i should call you and we can do something, if you still want to. sorry i've been divorcing myself from you, but it's not just you, its humanity in general. no excuse, but i don't want you to think i'm angry at you or something.

c, you are not x. so don't worry about it.

and now i'm tired after writing this.

later.