Fired

yup. like donald trump on thursday nights; "you're fired!" and my computer sucks at home, so i can't even hit a hard return. i'll just have to ramble on forever with no structure. god, it's like my nightmare... so lets do this quickly. i got fired last thursday. it sucked, it was strange, i'm now looking for another job. tiff, your boss died. he officially has had a worse week than i have, even though i got fired. i got a new phone. for the initiated who read this site, the number is... well, i'll call you. i'm tired. blah. that is all for now.

Trump Style

have you ever been told, "be careful what you wish for"?

you're fired.

have you ever been warned that thinking about an event enough might actually cause you to subtly modify your behavior to make certain that that event happens?

you're fired.

have you ever known you're not doing your best, but assumed that what you are doing can't be "That Bad"?

you're fired.

guess what happened to me last thursday?

i got fired.

oh yes. i kid you not. i am officially unemployed once again.

i don't know why i got fired. the quality of my work was apparently going down. but not a month ago, my boss made sure to inform me of a round of promotions that i should apply for. so how fast did i get shitty? how shitty did i get? what the hell does it all mean? to sum up, i have not a clue.

but ya' know, this isn't the worst thing to ever happen to me. i never liked the job, so its hard to be too broken up about losing it. and i need more time right now to get my "plans for leaving texas" off the ground. so perhaps, if i can find some part time work, i can get this all going.

so more news later, but for now, just think; josh always said he expected to get fired, a lot. well, one down. let's see what happens next.

Re-Update Thinga-ma-jig

so its monday morning, bright and early. scratch that. its monday morning, overcast and late. i have returned to the land of the working (living?) and am eagerly awaiting my next assignment. which, in the two hours i've been here, has suspiciously failed to materialize. well, i'm not actually suspicious... this is basically normal, and plus, I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS! but i digress.

so i made it through four whole days of vacation. my plan is to detail the days, one by one, so i suppose i'll stick with that, rather than wander around aimlessly, get lost, and come to three days later with my hand in my pants on a bus to tijuana. oh if it could only happen...

Wednesday

technically, i didn't take wednesday off. i just left a little early, at about 2.45. so from work i headed straight for... THE BANK! woo-hoo! getting finances in order! and stuff! with money! so i got there, waited for a while while the muzak made a feast of what was left of my functioning brain, and then got to talk to someone.

my goals for this bank visit:
transfer all funds in my savings account to my checking account
close my savings account

reasoning:
i will be investing money in various places soon, i would like to have it all in one place

so when you tell people at a bank that you want to close out one of your accounts, its actually code. its code for "we get less money off this sap". so of course, they hit you with THE LOOK. its the look that says "you kick puppies". you say "i'd like to move my funds to my checking account and close my savings account," they hear "i kick puppies. and i like it. and i drink the blood of crucified christian babies. it's delicious!". so that's fun.

in addition, they get all nosey when you move funds around and give an appropriately vague, "i'm planning to do some investing in the near future." its really none of their business. but this is where an important lesson comes in: the people at the bank are NOT your friends. oh, you want them to be, because banks are scary and big and corporate, and you don't really understand how they work... they're big gigantic magic money machines as far as we normal people are concerned. but the people at the bank aren't there to help you in this frightening place, they're there to sell you stuff, whether you need it or not. bastards.

so you tell them you'll be doing some investing, and then they waste ten minutes of your telling you about their crappy investment options. and when you say no thank you, they ask, "well, where were you thinking of investing?" as though it were their business. and the whole time you feel like a cheating spouse being confronted by your irate significant other... "i'm sorry! ing direct seduced me! it won't happen again! i only have cash for you!" blah blah blah. banks are rapidly becoming one of my least favorite places...

upshot: they did what i wanted them to do, i SHOULD have an atm card in a few days, i went home, got changed for yoga, and then spent two hours alone at starbucks drinking decaf coffee and writing until my class. all in all, it went all right. and after yoga, i felt much better.

Thursday

got up at ten thirty, moped around, read, stayed online for what felt like hours, started getting that freaky, "what the hell am i doing with myself" feeling. went to the gym, came home and showered, felt slightly better. made plans to have dinner with chris and then visit with her and kas until i needed to be home at ten to take shrooms with zach. mom and rachel left for a quick day at the coast around four in the afternoon. i did my thing. all is looking good.

all right, story time. so last time zach and two of his buds did shrooms, i was there. i was really stoned, but i was fine, basically. we all hung out on the roof, went for a nice long walk, got vaguely lost, etc. all the classic shroom activities. i expected this fungus filled romp to be much the same. a few people, calm and chill, perfect time to relax and see what shrooms are all about.

DAMN WAS I WRONG!!!

i get home to find about eight people there already. some are drugging, some are not. i eat the shrooms (which don't taste all that bad, really) and we hang. it is loud. people in zach's room are playing video games and an electric guitar. people in the upstairs lounge-y room are listening to the stereo. people are smoking weed all over the upstairs, and cigarettes too, though usually the cancer stickers are out on the balcony. AARGH! and yes, the drugs are beginning to kick in, and i'm getting pretty light-headed.

so we all chill inside, i'm having a great time sitting and trancing to the music in a chair (except that people keep looking at me and laughing, because i'm apparently the FUNNIEST MOTHERFUCKER IN THE WORLD! or some stupid bullshit like that. but the shrooms are definitely working. like, your attention gets caught very easily, and your eyes play little tricks on you. some chicks called zach and asked if they could come over. he, like a dumbass, says yes. i'm thinking "buzzkill, waiting to happen." eventually, i go downstairs because the upstairs room is starting to look a little creepy.

i chill with chester in my bed for a while, because i'm busy being on my own little trip while the rest of the world wants to be all up in my grill. or at least be mad loud and annoying, and blah blah blah. so i almost fall asleep, zach finally finds me and makes me go back upstairs. i'm definitely tripping. its mellow. pretty euphoric. you just feel kind of generally at peace and good, and have the attention span of an two-year-old with a.d.d. mirrors are pretty fun. so i go back upstairs.

at some point during the evening, i try to go on a walk by myself, but luckily zach stops me. but he's still trying to entertain the dozen people he has over. bitch. i am so pissed with him. because he thinks that its cool to try and trip AND have a party at the same time. idiot... eventually, the girls get there (there are four of them). they were mad tiny and clean, and done up, and looking for something other than ten drug-addled guys romping around a house.

not to mention they were mad christian, and don't approve of drug use...

i tried to gently ask zach if he thought the girls would have fun with us. he assured me they would, but he was clearly wrong. they sucked. they were a total buzz-kill. we all had to try and act sober. one of them insisted on "making friends" with our dog. poor chester. he was my companion for the evening, truly. he and i would go in the backyard and he would chew on wood, and i would smoke cigarettes, and i was totally happy and at peace. that's all that i wanted the evening to be, not having to navigate among ten guys and four done up girls. but this chick... i swear i would have just smacked her. its so painful to watch people who are not animal people try to "make friends" with animals.

painful because the animal is like "what the fuck is going on" and the human is talking in some sick baby voice that doesn't accomplish anything except to split the dog's eardrums. they pull the poor dog into strange contorted positions (our dog is old, mind you... he wheezes, and his legs are sorta wobbly...) so their friends can take a picture of the two of them together. that way they can show it to their friends and prove how sweet they are, because animals love them...

anywhoo... by this point, i was taking a cue from chester, and just trying to roll with things as best i could. i spent most of my time sitting on the couch, gently gazing at the ceiling, ignoring everyone and everything. someone kept trying to smoke a cigarette in the living room, and zach kept yelling at them for it. i figured this was all zach's shindig. all i wanted was to try some shrooms in a quiet, supportive environment. i didn't know our house was going to become a party zone.

but finally, everyone left. zach dropped me off at home (after an unsuccessful attempt to go hang out at a restaurant. did you know that after a certain hour at night, all restaurants are equipped with a cop? funny...) and then went on to party some more with his dealer and their friends. some girl od'd on coke, but eventually came to and they took her home. so sorry i missed it... i was asleep in my bed at the time.

upshot: my brother is an idiot who i am really angry with at the moment. shrooms are kinda nice, though i never got a chance to let my guard down and really feel them. and i hate parties and young people. i hope my brother gets in massive trouble someday for all of this.

and i hate knowing all this happened; i hate knowing that the cat almost escaped, twice, that poe was smoking in my living room, that our house was a drug den, and that i need to keep it all a secret. i hate keeping secrets. further reason to have as little to do with zach as possible.

Friday

got up. fed animals. zach and i went to Jim's for breakfast. stopped at the bookstore. rented two movies (the incredibles and harold and kumar). spent the afternoon reading, watching movie. zach cleaned up the house. mom got home at around six. i went to the gym. we ate dinner, and then i went to bed. i was tired.

Saturday

had breakfast with dad, went home, finished a book. we all went to a movie with dad and audrey. i went to the gym. we ate dinner. i went to bed.

Sunday

said goodbye to rachel, went back to sleep. had strange dreams. got up, ate breakfast. went to the plant nursery with mom; we made a list of plants to buy in the next week or two after the bed is ready to recieve them. went home. took a long nap. decided NOT to go to the gym. read for a while. began practicing for the GRE. went downstairs. stressed out and had a minor meltdown. went to bed.


so now we're all up to speed. my plants at work are doing well, and i have about eight billion phone calls to return. so i'm gonna end this, and continue my day.

i hate everything,

as always.

New Informations

not just one information, but several informations.

1) you probably knew this about me already, but let's revisit it anyway... i'm a sucker for companionship. it gets lonely in my head, so i like having people around. even people who irritate me, if its the best i can do. and i'm working the first three days of this week. and zach had his birthday celebration at the house last night. twelve teenagers thumping around on the roof and the second floor, smoking, smoking, drinking, etc. so of course, as i lay in my little bed directly below them, the dog wheezing/snoring near my legs, i almost cried at the thought of fun, a party being had and me not participating at all. so i made a deal with myself that i would go up from eleven until midnight, then i would go to bed. because of the whole work thing. and i kept to it. but my god, am i tired today, and i always feel so guilty having to clean up after making myself smell like several kinds of smoke... grr... i want sleep.

2) "kangaroo" means "i can't understand you". really. its one of those awful stories of white people bopping around and seeing something new and grabbing their brown guide/captive and pointing and saying "what do you call that?" and of course the guide/captive replies "i have no clue what you just said" in their native language. so while there are probably words in the aboriginal language for kangaroo that would roughly translate to "great hairy annoying rat that kicks", the word we use literally means "i can't understand you".

3) disturbing news, this. i have my little dwarf lilies growing in my office garden. well, after much research on the subject, it appears likely that they will only bloom once and then fail to naturalize, perennialize, spread, and all those things one would want lilies to do. lily bulbs are delicate and lack a protective outer layer. they are also never completely dormant. so the longer they are out of the ground, the more likely they will become irrecoverably dehydrated and damaged. they'll still bloom once, because the growers pump them so full of plant steroids before packaging and shipping them, but they won't become established. this is all especially true of large commercial operations that may keep bulbs out of earth for long periods of time. so now i'm worried. because i want these little pot gardens to continue. i got the right bulb fertilizers and everything... poop. hope for the best with me.

i think that's all for now. brother's b-day celebration with mom tonight (dad last night), so more food, and probably i won't be able to exercise again, for the second day in a row. that blows.

cake is dangerous.

Happy Birthday Z***!

today is brother's birthday. it is also the first official day of his spring break vacation. he has the entire week off. and sister is home for her spring break vacation. so she has the entire week off. i am a bitter bastard. i want a week off. i don't, actually. but damnit... anywhoo, it is also my exact half-birthday. all three of us children were born on the fourteenth of our respective months. all of us being c-sections might have helped in that matter. so brother and i have shadow birthdays to each other. its an interesting thingity-thing.

also, mom and dad both have birthdays on the 27th of their respective months, so its a family thing. i don't know. and yes, father's new wife fits the code. she was born on the fourteenth of her month. its all a little strange. get used to it. i did.

i have yet to send my brother a "happy birthday" text message. but i will soon. tonight we celebrate at dad's house, right after work. so i don't get to go to yoga. so i'm bitter. but i suppose i'll get over it. after dad and audrey give him food and cake and birthday wishes, he'll go out and get royally stoned (and maybe drunk to boot) with his friends. i'll take my full ass home and read until i fall asleep. god help anyone who gets in the way of my routine... oh well. i dunno. i'm just in a continuing funk. we know this.

i just ate lunch. i had a sandwich and a large amount of diet coke. i didn't want to eat, though... now i feel really full, and i hate feeling full, and even before i ate, i was like, "man, i don't wanna eat... but i should...". so i did, and now i'm regretting it. it was the right decision to make, but i'm just unhappy about the side effects... and i'm not even going to the gym today... AARGH!!! it pisses me off. everything pisses me off. we know this.

the office garden is doing splendidly. they all made it through the weekend. the lilies are all nearing maximum height pre-blooming, the herbs continue to grow like the weeds they are, and the onion is doing its own thing. all is well. i'll water them before i leave on wednesday to make sure they make it through my brief vacation (thursday and friday off, biotch!). actually, this is a terrible week to take a vacation, because we have a bunch of work that MUST be done by this coming tuesday (a week from tomorrow). but you know what? i don't care. i'm taking my motherfucking time off, and ain't nobody gonna stop me.

also, though i judge it to be completely reasonable, i think smoking dope once a week is still too often. maybe twice a month... or something like that. and i don't know if i want to try shrooms right now. it doesn't seem like the move to make. i want to be awake and alive, and ready to resume head-butting the world. i dunno. i think i just need to remind myself to be productive, and work on that, and all will be well. damn but living at home makes you feel guilty... about everything. god forbid i should have any fun at all...

also, tomorrow is (or yesterday was) chris' birthday. so a shout-out to another pisces, and i'm sorry about being the world's biggest jerk. i'm going to try to work on that.

there just seems so little reason for this entry. grr... nothing much is happening. and yet, i feel strange. more on this later.

Once More

every day yields a new situation in which i manage to make myself feel awkward and disconnected. i realize this is my own fault. i just wonder how long i'll keep going before i decide to fix it. because i'm pretty sure my purpose on this earth isn't to embarass myself and others, and increase the general awkward levels. i'm sure there must be more to it than that.

My Dog Ate It

wrote a post earlier this week. actually, the machine ate it. so anyway, here's a long overdue update:

Story

we just got out of a meeting. i actually payed a decent amount of attention and wrote down handy things. on the way out, coworker e got away from me, and i had thought we were going to go get coffee in the cafeteria and visit for a few minutes after meeting. so i whisper shouted up the stairs "e! yo e!" but she didn't hear me. so i threw my pen at her to get her attention. and then when she was like "wtf," i asked her, "coffee? and could you get my pen for me on the way down?" to which she replied "no!"

so i caught up with her in the hall upstairs (after retrieving the pen myself) and asked if she wanted to go get coffee. she said "no, i'm really pissed off right now." so i told her i didn't mean to make her angry, because i didn't, and let her go. then a few minutes ago she came over here to talk to lauren and gave me the barest of "i know i always talk to you, but right now i don't want to so here, look, i'm acknowledging your existence with a quick glance now leave me alone" glances. so she's really angry at me. and i, once again, feel like an idiot.

moral of the story: i don't know. should i not throw things at people? maybe that would be good... but its so fun sometimes! but i suppose there are some people who don't think of it in the same way, and so i shouldn't throw things at them. and perhaps i should be more sensitive of the fact that e is trying to make her way in this company, and isn't therefore willing to engage in my more ridiculous levels of play. that would probably be good. meanwhile, i'll leave her alone, since that appears to be what she wants.

The Plan

so a few days ago, when i was riding a raging caffeine high and bored as hell at work, i hatched what i can really truly classify as a "hare-brained" scheme. bear with me. this is fun.

we are all aware of bruce k., who i want to ask me to the prom and all sorts of other such nonsense... i want a picture of him. so my plan (which took surprisingly little time to come up with, which will become really, really apparent if you just read on...) was for e and i to look extra "official" one day, and walk down his row feeding everyone the same line. "some people have been having trouble with their badges, so we're doing a row by row check to make sure your data is registered with the facility databank correctly." or something of the sort. perhaps we check out the "badge room" (it does exist) and get our terminology right. anyway...

so we go down the row and collect everyone's badges, then disappear for fifteen minutes, during which i make a color copy of the headshot on his badge. then we reappear and give all the badges back and say, "all right. everything's fine. thank you very much." coworker e wanted no part of this. i think its a not too bad plan, considering it was hatched in the fetid mind of a frighteningly obsessive me. but she did have a much better plan, and here i will quote verbatim:

"wouldn't it just be easier to wait until he's not around, take a picture of him off his cube wall, make a copy, and put it back?"

yes. yes it would. i ran that one by mom this morning. she thinks its a great plan, if i want to get fired... so i suppose i should just let this one die. but damnit... i wanted to go through with the first scheme, just to see if i could pull it off... some questions will just forever go unanswered, i guess. so sad.

Work

so i'm not sure what i've written about this, but i applied for and didn't get a position here at work. poop. its irritating me more than i care to admit. coupled with that, its getting close to a year since i graduated college. after i type that sentence, i remind myself to continue taking large deep breaths of the substance we commonly refer to as "air."

i'm just in a funk recently. a big ol' funk. and i don't even want to talk about it right now, because i'm not in any sort of frame of mind to talk about it in a way that's productive or reasonable. so suffice it to say that things is funky down here, and i'm frightened and sad, and lonely, and all those other crappy things that make life fun and interesting. or boring and irritating.

dad says i maybe should stop butting my head against the wall. funny how ingrained that is. i am not very water-like. bruce lee would be very un-impressed. i don't flow around obstacles. i veer right into them, regroup, and try to hit them again harder, hoping that eventually, if i bear down on them enough, i can crash through them. apparently, this is not always the case. i don't like that. all i know how to do is fight. but these times call for strategery. i should get me some of that. or learn it. or something...

Home Life

sister arrives home tonight for a spring break vacation. i'm excited to see her. but i'm not sure what the vacation will be like. i took next thursday and friday off (god, time off, what a concept... its been a long while since i've had any of that...) and she's trying to see if she wants to drag us all to the beach. it depends on whether her ex-boyfriend's teeth feel all right.

explanation: she loves her ex-boyfriend, he is getting orthodontal stuff done this break. if he feels well enough, he will visit his father on the coast, meaning sister will drag us all to the coast (mind you, she hates the beach herself) in order to spend time with boy (who, again, mind you, has a new girlfriend. he and sister have not been an item for a lot longer than a year.) during her week off from school, which she hates. its all very complicated and, from what i can tell, stupid. so sue me. i don't care.

so i don't know what i'm doing with my time off. i'd love to read, sleep, catch up on a few things, make a few phone calls i've been needing to make, etc... you know, rest, relax, try to destress and regroup. i really didn't want all my plans to hinge on a possible wild goose chase as my sister tries to convince her ex that they really are made for each other. somehow, that doesn't sound like a recipe for good times to me.

Shrooms

apparently i'll be ingesting some during my time off. that should be... interesting. i'll make sure to tell you all about it. they seemed like fun when i watched zach and his buds on them. as long as i don't end up crying and screaming alone in a corner (or on someones stoop, which i've handily mistaken for a corner...) i'll be fine, i'm sure. mind expanding drugs... worth taking time off of work for? sure, i guess.

it was actually really funny, because i was like, "so zach, you had a good time?" affirmative response. "yeah, i'm doing them again this spring break." "really?" i say. "yeah, so are you." "ah ha. hmmm... fair enough then..." i'd get mad that he made the decision for me, but really, i've wanted to do this for months now. i think i'll shut up and eat the mushrooms.

Etc.

other than all this, i don't know what else is going on, really. i'm flipping out. the plants are doing well. its friday (thank all that is holy...). and my friend chris won't respond to my responses to her e-mails to me. which are a miracle in and of themselves... i've decided that her man is definitely erasing any messages i leave on their machine. i think that there is no end to the irritation i engender in him by my very existence and desire to be friends with chris. he sucks. i think she should dump his ass and fine someone more deserving. or die lonely, like i'm planning to do.

damn it, at least i have my principles... which keep me OH so warm on those long cold lonely nights, i'll have you know.

oh fuck off.

Five Minutes to Go

i have five minutes to go.

in five minutes, i can get up, turn off my music, shut down my computer, and go home. i can put an end to this dismal day.

actually, it's been a pretty good day. i'm chillin'. there wasn't that much work. i got to talk to lauren a lot. its odd to realize that you are in some way attracted to your twice-your-age, married, mother-of-two co-worker, or would be if the gender equations were right. well, anyway, its odd to realize that in some strange way, i'm attracted to lauren. she kind of reminds me of roslyn. but not so freaky and scary. maybe its just because they're both tall and thin.

the plants are good. they help me get through the days.

i have gym tonight, yoga tomorrow night. i should also call my uncle tonight (for investment advice) and my cousin (to see if i can live in her basement in jersey).

i have a busy evening ahead of me.

it will all seem easier after worshipping the stairmaster for a half hour.

i'm tired.

Damnit.

i know i shouldn't run this into the ground this way, but the love of my life keeps skulking around my area... you know, the tall skinny asian one with the two beautiful children (both female, contrary to my prior description) and the wedding ring? bruce kanagaki? because i know his full name? and have looked it up on google? (he plays the violin/viola in a little-known local folk-music duo?)

have i mentioned that twice, we've ended up peeing at urinals next to each other in the bathroom?

he keeps skulking! he keeps being here! can't he be somewhere else? where he doesn't have to taunt me with his presence and the silent reminder that he is not for me, not now, not ever, i wouldn't quit my day job if i were you? can't his boss be situated somewhere else so he doesn't have to pass through my corridor, breeze by my garden so leaves ruffle ever so gently at his passing? every time he passes behind me, my neck prickles in that special way, and every time we accidentally make eye contact i try my hardest to look completely bland and un-special, so i can keep deliriously worshipping him from afar without his catching on. and he always looks slightly uncomfortable. does he know? does he know how badly i want him?

why are all of the most wonderful people meant for everyone else? yeah, since i'm the only lonely single person in all the world... or the only guy to ever have unfulfillable crushes on straight guys...

longing...

Monday, Bloody Monday

no, its not actually a very bloody day. all is well. no lacerations or amputations. i just don't know anymore... so many little things to report... well, lets start somewhere.

my little plants, that i watered before i left on friday... oh they're doing so well! though i continuously (needlessly) worry about it, the rue continues to be taller than the lemon balm, even though both are growing quite nicely. the mint looks lovely and happy. all the lilies have sprouted and some are even nearing the point when they're buds will develop. the onion plant, i worry about, because it remains so damp, but i hadn't watered it in two weeks, so i watered it on friday also, and its not dead yet, and i think it'll be fine. its not picky. so in short, my little office garden is providing the lovely respite from work crap that i hoped it would, and it is my little spot of green and soil, and smells and earth and life, and all those things that, somehow, i really seem to care about. i wonder if i might not even be able to get two blooming seasons out of the lilies since they'll have bloomed by the time march comes to a close, in all probability. ahh, gardening. and yes, i understand i have an unhealthy obsession with my babies. (note that i call them "my babies") but its nice to nurture something.

this weekend. this last weekend was The Weekend of the Mushroom

allow me to explain... i didn't take any mushrooms, but my brother and two of his friends did indeed go shrooming friday night at our house. i showed up late to the party, a half hour or so into their journey, but i smoked a bowl to catch up (no shrooms for me) and then we passed the pipe around. but things rapidly became quite a journey. zach and david were just staring off the roof, zoning, staring at their hands, all manner of clear-cut trippage. stephen had a bad case of the giggles, but he eventually began to really trip. hard. and he was so scared all the time... he is not a very developed individual, and the shrooms totally were more than he could handle.

but so we started on the roof. lotsa cigarettes. i was really friggin' stoned, and yet, i am the sanest person left to recount this journey, because man were those guys just fucking out of it. we eventually got off the roof (much to my relief... visions of the ambulance showing up and our sodden asses trying to talk to the emts while the one who fell gets carted into the van...) and we went walking. brief issue as mom pulled up while we were only a few houses down the street, but zach said something to her, about just going for a walk, we hid the cigarettes (not very well, i'm sure) and we were off! (to the races!)

so we walked, and journeyed through the neighborhood. for a long long while. an hour and a half, two hours. streetlights were a problem. we had to physically guide stephen past them. otherwise he would have stood staring in awe, making little sniveling noises. zach was surprisingly with it. i was impressed. we walked and walked, and probably looked really suspicious. eventually we ended up in a little ravine behind an apartment complex. we smoked the rest of the bud, and at some point each of us was like, "why are we here?" all of us (save stephen) landed on the answer "because its where we are" and that was good enough for us. but stephen. grr... such an irritation to have to babysit his ass. but other than that, an interesting evening, and i totally want to go shrooming sometime.

so that is that. i should go do some work now, as i listen to kelis. at work. singing about doing it in public. i am a bad boy. or so i will tell myself.

so...

once again showing that while the mass of humanity churns over there, i skulk about the edges of the room trying to pick off any likely looking strays:

a person in a cube near me has a picture of lance armstrong as his computer desktop. now while anyone else would look at it and think, "my, what a striking example of strength, determination, and courage in the face of adversity! what a triumph of the human spirit over impossible odds!" i think, "lance armstrong is hot. i'd do him." then i remember that he only has one ball and laugh to myself. because i would still totally do him, but it is a situation that would have to be addressed. something like, "hey, you look like you could use a partner." or "do you think it ever gets lonely, lance?" followed by "i think i should show it some love, try and make it feel better..." then i wouldn't be saying much of anything at all, now would i?

i also would have to think that sheryl crow has intimate experience with lance's little trooper. and that also brings quite a smile to my face.

in other news, an old stash of liquor bottles zach wasn't trying very hard to hide was discovered by mom. they are quite old, from back in the heyday of september and october, when zach and i would drink our cares away and smoke cigarettes on the roof. well, i'm sober (minus one night) for basically two and a half months now, or something close to it. and granted, i'm partially responsible for those bottles, but i had those discussions with mom already. i came close to crying over the thought of having to go to al-anon. and i'm done with it all. so this is all just rather irritating.

first, let's all realize that this is EXACTLY how the past comes round to kick us in the ass. it happens to everyone. get your jollies off this if you want, but your day will come as well.

secondly, i think zach is pretty much on his own with this one. i think i've bought him a bottle once since i stopped drinking. i also probably bought him a few packs of cigarettes. but i am not the enabler. he was doing all this shit before i was. if he didn't get it from me, he would get it from his friends, and in fact, that's where he gets it from. i come along for the ride every now and then, but i've felt that its quite clear that this is his show, and if he wants to shuttle wasted friends up and down the stairs on weekend (and sometimes weekday) nights and make a racket on the roof, that's his call. i've never narked on him, because you don't do that to your sibs, and these are his decisions to make.

all the same. i feel sort of guilty, and i'm not sure what i'm supposed to say to who. but i'm not taking the fall for something i didn't do. and i don't think i did anything wrong. so i just don't know, but its icky, and zach is stuck in his whole extensive web of audacious lying and duplicity. and i stopped all that partly because it was bad for me and partly because it was hurting people because i can't lie, and live alter lives. i live one life, and it better be cool for company of any sort because i don't have a hall closet to tuck things into.

so i don't know, but there's drama, and i hate to see mom angry and sad, and i hate to see zach strung out and lying, and i hate being caught in the middle of it all. and my jaw hurts because i've been clenching it all day because now I'M stressed out. and i stopped all of this so i wouldn't HAVE to be stressed out. but once again, life, big pointy teeth, finds your bum, snap, ow.

so that's that. i haven't watered my plants in almost two weeks and they're still fine, but i think tomorrow is officially watering day, and i'm excited to have my eight little seconds of maternal fulfillment. or paternal. whatever. i'm happy to have something to love and take care of, even if its plants and even if that makes me unhealthy.

i feel pretty unhealthy of late.

Wonderful...

just wonderful.

actually, it's not that bad, but i get nervous easily, so it sort of is. but not really.

i have an interview in about an hour for a permanent position with the company. woo hoo! i would get to stop being a temp, get a little bit more money, and get benefits, all while continuing to do the job i do now. the only issue (i lie... there are many issues in my troubled little head...) is that if i have to move to some cubicle or something, my plants will have to move too, and that would suck, because i KNOW they're enjoying their sweet spot at the window. i don't want my babies getting hurt due to lack of light.

i also don't know how i feel about all this in general. what will it mean, in the grand scheme of things? will i have to be more corporate? i'm not good at being corporate... i'm really bad at it, as a matter of fact. even when i'm trying to be good, and i'm working, and i have the headphones on and am listening to music so i don't talk to people, even then, i end up singing along to whatever i'm listening to. i don't mean to... i just can't help it, and its really hard to stop.

so i'm here, i'm really anxious. i want more coffee, and i want my plants to need water, so i feel like i'm nurturing SOMETHING!!! they don't. need water... and the little mint cutting i made isn't dead yet, so i feel that it might in fact put down roots and increase my mint colony. whee! if it is a successful venture, i will officially deem myself "good with plants."

guys, you guys who read this... i know you're busy, and have things to do, and live int he city that never sleeps and all that good stuff... but seriously... you need to update more often than every-other week... some of us (ahem) some People, look to your blogs as little lifelines from the great north-east and the finest fruits it bore in the autumn of 1982. don't disappoint these poor souls... update weekly, if you can... even that would be lovely. obsessively updating every day can be left to the pros. like me.

so that's pretty much that. interview in fifteen minutes. i'm going to get more coffee, and maybe look at my plants a little more, or possibly seek amusement online. or even actually do some work... god, that just sounds yucky... but oh well. some things cannot be helped.

i also have a shrink appointment today (he is currently in the doghouse due to his constantly rescheduling my appointments... should be a fun hour...) and yoga in the evening. after the rest of this day, i'll need it.

reading "the color purple", finding it rather intense.